What cheese?

Ever heard that stupid saying "And the cheese stands alone?" I wanna say that I am the cheese (No I'm not old and smelly, well maybe old!) still that’s how I feel sometimes. Sure I’ve said it before that I do ostracize myself now more than before. All the same I know that is has a lot to do with the fact that I am getting older, and weight gain.  It has been increasing more in the recent months. Still that’s mostly because I don’t feel anyone willing to empathize with me. Everyone I know will just tell me to suck it up and do something about (I will…Umm eventually...maybe, will see?). I get it, I do and that’s fine. Except I feel have nothing new to add to the conversation so I say nothing.  So it seems that’s why I’m excluding myself. Though I don’t think I’m explaining myself correctly since I am still going out with and seeing my peeps, I’m just not sharing my feelings as I would do normally so I’m  inclined to be on the quieter side.. i.e. being a recluse. I just can’t help being a bit unusual (sometimes it’s more funner that way). Despite the fact that I’ve just never been quite what you call normal. I’m pretty sure that out of all us sibling only two and four are as normal as you can be growing up in our dysfunctional family. I know for a fact that sibling one ain’t ever been right! Though I don’t really feel that I’m bizarre because of her, I’m in no doubt that she encouraged it.

Sibling one was too far in age range to really be a partner in crime, then there’s sibling two who just didn’t get me, although sibling four was two years younger than I (we could pass for twins if he’d just shave his stash!) I usually got into trouble for him... but I guess he would be my partner in crime. But it seems we got caught more offend that not and sibling one got in it the end…

We were such odd ball children now that I think about it. Or maybe we weren’t? Sibling one and two would have the tendency to fight over every little thing. As for four you could say he was the brat of the pack he was the only boy so that in and of itself was a miracle. Consequently I was the third girl. I was in the middle but not. I didn’t fit in with the other two girls. They were too old and the little one was a boy and close to my age…Therefore we clinged to each other but I don’t quite fit in there either cause he was a boy (don’t get me wrong we got into all kinds of awesome mischief…Muhahaaha!). There were times I just didn’t belong there though I guess we all feel alone sometime…*shake my head* phiff...cheese.

Bah humbug well not really...

When we were children Christmas was full of wonder and sure presents. The pretty lights that were sooo bight with that tall ass tree (never real, always fake like some boobies!). We loved to decorate it with all the shiny balls! Woo hoo! Though we very poor (Yup, yup so poor that dinner Monday – Thursday dinner was beans and rice, beans and rice, beans and rice that's nice! and if we got lucky Friday was chicken day! Yay us!). But the extent of our wealth was limited. Fake tree, ornaments so old the colors were coming off (we don’t need no monies to have fun Christmas!). We understood there was no really money luxuries or at least I did. You get use to it. You either take great care of your things or wear it out until it’s not useable (broken our love, D’oh!) anymore. We worked for what we had. We never just got stuff (oh the sadness!)

So Christmas (and birthdays) were really special. Yeah I’m that one weirdo that still believes Santa Clause! Even though it is kind of creepy when you think about it that he’s always watching you. O_o Well it is now but not so much when you're tiny. It's funny as I think back on it. I believed in Santa even though I knew mom and dad got us the presents. Siblings one and two were older than us so it kind of broke the illusion. I still believed anyway cause I knew people less fortunate than us. And I would always think Santa’s gonna stop at their homes and give them something (Yup,yup unless you were naughty...Ooo you're getting coal!). Despite the fact that we were poor too, we always had food and a place to sleep (love you lots mama!). Even with those financial hardships they did it for us, the toys, food, the retarded tree those will be memories that I will always treasure. Dagnabit now I wanna cry in my face! T_T

So as teenagers me and sibling four were still in school and siblings one and two were starting their own families. While those holidays were strained we managed to be together. Then with small children in the picture now (I get to play with toys again yay me!!) and getting older bought the ability to work, earn money for toys!!! Of course other things to buy for mother, father and we can’t forget the sibling. So many great times spend together. Laughter and warmth always filled are very cold, cold home. Therefore, we as a family unit the Holidays were grand. So now that we’re older (I’m talking about older, older. My oldest nephew is sixteen already! Grrr Arrg!) I’m not gonna lie it’s so difficult to get together. Sibiling two don’t like me no more, well not really her. She loves me lots. But her significant other don’t (actually he can’t stand me, I’m sure I’ve explained before I’m a whore blah, blah, blah…she’s a whore because of me?!) As a result I am not really welcomed in her home, thus no sibling two and by extent her kids T_T. Mother is off gallivanting with sibling one and her egg while sibling four always has his door open for me its just not the same. This is the second time I’ve been alone for the holiday seasons.

I was kind of lacking the Christmas spirit this year. I was very baahumbug…the music annoyed me. Actually everything about it annoy me! How does that even happen? But like the great procrastinator that I am. Because of my bah humbugness. My house had no tree or lights or anything really. Just a very cold house, sure I’m creative but decorating has never been my thing. Believe you me that I’m not color blind but I should be! Yes, I dress myself (just barely) but I can face it that sometime my color choices aren’t always the best. -_- (Don’t judge me you don’t know my life!) But I digress, so out of work on the 24^th of December (could I have waited any longer? Yes possibly.) I go to a tree lot and it’s kind of dark and scurry?! Wtf? There was a young girl with a thin jacket on wait in the dark and cold night for last minute dopes like meeeee! So I got a small tree but when I got home I found that most of our decoration where gone thrown out and that was so dishearten.

But luckily I found something to make it pretty with! It was even more sad and lonely than you could ever imagine and if I was made of softer stuff I just might of just broke down and cried…Or it might have been that I was invited my crazy ass friend’s house to drink, and get drunk. So I just didn’t sit there in my living room staring at it and thinking of the sadness. So I didn't get coal and someone loves me cause I got some presents (they were small and tiny but they were mine! Dagnabit! they were mine!) Oh humm...I wasn't horrible I think, so with that I leave you with the bad guy affirmation. *clears throat* I am a bad, and that’s good. I will never be good and that’s not bad. There’s no one I’d rather be, than me.

F**K you and the horse you rode on!

Now it's not my first rodeo and not to be mean to the horse but really, I don't understand why everyone thinks. Hey it's okay to tell me what I should and shouldn't do!? WTF (totally know why I hate) people!? You know what? If I wanted to know I you’re fucking opinion. I would have fucking asked you!!!! Though I keep to myself (antisocial is I) still it seem that I invite that kind of ridicule on myself?!! I don't like dealing with all that bullshit or shit talking. If I talk to you it’s because I'm trying to be nice. >.< (not trying to flirt you, or be friends) unless I ask you specific questions. So if nothing like that is happening. They usually means I don't want to  know! I especial don't want to know what you think about me. What I do and how I do it (and I do it very well thank you very much!) is my business.

That's whole reason I like been left alone. I know I sit here and smile at you like I want you to talk to me blah, blah, blah...but I don't. I do talk to you its cause your right in front of me. It makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable and that’s the reason I talk to you. I'm not trying to make friends at work. How sad and pathetic are you that you need to make friends (at work you loser). Even more so you have to tell a stranger (cause you don't know me and you never will) what they should do? One you are not my god damn mother! Two you are not my boyfriend and or husband. Last but not least I don’t love you in anyway shape or form. What makes you think I’m going to listen to you at all stupid?  

I go to lunch by myself and sit in a corner all alone. Hmmm wonder why? Did I want to entice a conversation with anyone FUCK NO! I don’t make friends at work cause you don’t really care about me. That’s fine cause either do I, (I mean I don’t wish ill upon you that’s just wrong) but come on really…I come here to do a job. Not find out who’s doing what, or who’s fucking who. I am fine alone...got damn it! I sure as hell don’t need you in my life! Like I told someone long time ago if want you in my life you’ll be there I don’t need a stupid high school reunion to get in touch with friends from high school, because they’re still here. Okay I’m done carry on…

My talent knows no bounds...oh wait yes it does...>.<

I'm talented.  Really I am, you wouldn't think so cause all of my issues (Oh dear lord! Do I have some). Even thought, I have talent up the wahooz, I tell you what!? I have it coming out of all kinds of orificessses! (I don't care what you think I'm sticking to that statement -,-) I see the pretty in the not so pretty (hey I try and that's all that counts.) Well I am creative, imaginative...and as good as that is, I’m pretty (oh so pretty) spacey. Scattered brained really, I have issues with finishing things (Ooo look, an issue). I have to be careful because of this, I distract easily...shinny things are my kryptonite (umm there are others but you don't need to know that.) The worst part about this is that I've gotten really good a pretending that you have my attention (thank you mother). When in reality I've been in a far off galaxy light years away er something to that effect, but creative minds have always been a bit off. They're troubled aren't they?

Maybe? Though I've never like to that word...troubled? They’re more like tortured, agonized, but definitely suffering. It's like what the fuck is that? I get it you can't be too happy when you're an artist. Cause then all you would paint (or create) would be fucking rainbows and unicorns?! Hey that would be kind of awesome!? Bunnys!!!!! But we are who we want to be. Sure we're inspired by the wonderful people we fall in and out of love with, the ones that take their time to care for us and truly love us for the fuck-ups that we are (Ooo! yeah baby that's all me ...maybe I shouldn't be proud of that?). And for some reason creative minds are the biggest loser in life. They get no respect (dude sitting right here!). Again because I can't seem finish anything I start? (Except this hmmm that can't be right?)

So this leads me to think that I am an introvert!? Still introvert is such a funny word, the word it's self mean: A person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts or feeling. Maybe I am but I like the word hermit better. Introvert make you sound like you are self-centered and that I am not. Sure I can be a shut-in. I don't just only care about myself. I lovin lots of people and defiantly care about how they feel. Most of the time I put their feelings before mine, my pain, hurt or sorrow I can deal with its everyone else’s I can't. I don't know how to comfort anyone. I makes me wanna run for the hills...when a women cry O_o oh dear lord save me cause I don't know how to deal with that...I do all my crying (or at least I try) alone in the dark and in the comfort of my own home! So yeah maybe emotionally unavailability introvert is something all stupid creative people are. Ugh…whatever!

One tamale, Two tamale, Three tamale....Umm GO!

I know that it sounds amazing to all the lovelies that know me. But contrary to popular belief, I do know how to cook (yes, yes and its edible dagnabit!). Sure you know my food needs a little salt here and there but that’s how it goes sometimes (you can’t fucking please everyone all the time). Besides that, I like it, it’s funners to cook. You’re like a mad (not really more like annoyed) scientist. Getting to play with fire, (Ooo fire heh heh heh FIRE!) with all kinds of ingredients (slimy things like the chicken I dismembered >.<). I like getting messy (you know what I’m just gonna not comment on that one) its neatocompleto! You put it all together and viola! It’s dinner (well unless you didn’t follow direction or suck at it) and it’s all yummy! It's a plus if have someone to cook for. It makes it more enjoyable. I mean when you’re talking about cooking (like not just heat something up using the microwave lazy ass!) really cook you don’t just wanna do it for yourself (all by myself!) it's too lonely (I was here in my room).

At any rate my mother once told me that to when you cook for someone, that’s when you show you how much you really love them!  Apparently that's what makes the food taste so good, your love *cough* *cough* (bullshit!). It kind of makes me wanna laugh sometimes. Cause my mother is a hard women, she as tough as they come. Therefore to heard talking about warm fuzzes about home cooked meals. It makes me feel that dear lord the world is about to end. Although we have our disagreements if I ask her to teach me about cook anything it’s done. She’ll show me how, now I don’t think she’s ever let me cook on my own in her presents. I personally think it’s an issue of hers (control freak!) her kitchen, her rules. Consequently as I’ve mentioned before she has run away and won’t be back until later, later…I have so to speak been left holding the bag…the tamale bag! I know we could totally wait until she returns. And let her makes (the yummy) ones with all her love and what not! But dagnabit I want them now!! Though really what had happen was I kind of already bought the maza and it would spoil if we wait that long. We don’t want it to go down that way. Yeah I know that was like the dumbest move ever!! *hangs head in shame* Don’t judge me, you know you do stupid things too!

Therefore the task of making them has fallin’ on me (well you know cause I poked the bear! D’oh). Although I've never made them without parental supervision (she won’t let do nothing!). Now so I don’t go down in flames all by myself. I try and persuade, sibling one and four to endure the horror that will incur. However it seems that fate (you wicked bitch! She works against me!) has only allow me to swayed sibling four (mmmm he’s okay) and his wife (Yay me!). As stated previously I have done the prep work (chicken killer qu'est-ce ah fa fa fa fa fa) everything is ready conditions are perfect! (It’s business time). Well as perfect as they’re gonna be. Still I can see it chaos (Oh jebus! Save me). So cause I’m nice (ha ha ha) I lay out aprons and glove for my (unsuspecting victims) I mean my willing helpers. Seriously WTF! I'm doing all the dirty jobs. Like taking the maza out of bag….ewwww it’s squishy and watery is no fun (well maybe just a little). Having everything laid out on the table...And it starts! Luckily sibling four and his wife are smart cookies (I am so smart, I am so smart. S-M-R-T!) They have brought spirits!! Whoop! Whoop! Thus the smearing and scooping being, and we're rapping then tying, rapping then tying and rapping then tying some more (boy I tell you what! It went on like that for a while) now for the first time doing this without parental supervision (and a little liquored up tee hee hee) we did an umm ok…well they were moderately… the thing is you see they are really tasty...but they were kind of not in adult portions (they were itty bitty) the corn husk were not pretty. It made for tiny tasty tamales. #_o Oh well, at least I didn't burn anything down and there's always next year?! O_o  

Chicken Killer qu'est-ce ah fa fa fa fa fa…..

I just want say that last night I did something very interesting. Now I’m not a squeamish  kind of chick I've never been. Scary movies, horror flick I love them and they’re best watched in the dark. My sister taught me that, thank you sister dear! Although there have been moments on The Walking Dead that have been cringe worth. However there are only three things that will make me cower; the first are clowns. I mean come on how can you not fear those weird, creepy bastards. Have you seen that creepy plate with the little girl crying and a creepy clown hovering over…I get the hebeejeebes just thinking about it! The second is jello! Oh My God! Not only does it jiggle (food that jiggle is not natural) but the stuff it’s made of it is ewwwwwness. When I was a teenager we would go out to Hometown and my dad (he loves the stuff ick ick icky!) he’d get some and jiggling it on his plate and ask do you want some? >_< He was not funny! Despite the fact that everyone else thought so, those rat bastards! Anyways last but not least needles. I just don’t know what it is, the thought of someone stabbing me with a needle. That’s the only reason I’m tattoo free, otherwise I think I would be cover in them. Oh dear lord all the blood leaves my face and makes me wanna run for the hills.

So yeah I guess it’s an odd combination of thing to be scared of, nevertheless I think I’m pretty tough chick. I've bled profusely before and was more like OMG mom is gonna kill me for getting it on my cloths. Then OMG I’m bleeding? So the thing is my lovely mother has left on vacation to see her sister for the Holiday season. I know the first thing you think OMG!!!! NO Tamales WTF!!! Well never fear tan tan tan! I’m totally gonna make some…umm maybe there should be a little fear. Now I know what you're think. Oh carp she gonna burn the house down. In any other circumstance I would totally agree with you, but I'm not doing it alone sibling one and four are gonna help. Hence I only have to gather all the ingredients, then start the prep work. So it beings....green sauce made, check, corn husk soaking, check, whole chicken, che…oh wait I kind of need that chicken in pieces. D’oh! 

Now I've cooked and handle my share of meat (ha ha ha aha meat! that's what she said!) but I'll be honest with you. I have never chopped up a whole chicken (bones & all). In any case silly me thought hey I can do this, it’s just a chicken. Can it be that hard to do?...Butchers do it every day! So I pulled that chicken out of its gooey bag. Don’t forget you got make sure all the insides like the heart n stuff is out of it's chest cavity Ooo! yummy! Place them to side despite the fact that I’m not sure what to do with them? O.o Hmmm what would you cook with that stuff anyway? Continuing on I gently place the bird on cutting board. Stand there for a bit cause I have no plan of attack, then I say Ah fuck it! I start stabbing it with my steely knife (but I just can't kill the beast!). Boy did I chose the wrong knife! I tell you what! The worst thing you can do is start this type of endeavor with a dull fucking knife! First I skinned the bitch. I never new how boney a damn chicken was, (horrible fucking knife). So let me tell you a skinless dead bird not attractive. Then I commenced with make it in to pieces. So I took off it's wing...I swear could hear, feel the knife going through the bone with pressure I applied, cracked! Did you know that if you Google how many pieces should you have you'll get a link on how to cut it up. I probably should have gone there first...I know someone else had killed the dear bird. It was already dead, certainly wasn't dying again but I kind of felt bad. Still at the same time skinning, breaking its bone, the feel of the left over blood splattered here and there. I know it's gonna sounded creepy and wrong but I kind found do it almost pleasurable, amusing, entertaining...enjoyable. Although it was dead, nonetheless I killed it again...muhahaha!

No, no, no….I didn’t want to eat that...

A few days ago (Wednesday I think) for lunch. I brought a package of salad (you know the ones that are pre-cut) and I didn’t feel like eating it that day, and left it in the refrigerator to save it for another day. Well I thought that today I would eat my salad (Yay salad!). I brought dressing and everything. Can you image to my surprise that when I went to put up my dressing in the refrigerator I found that the package I felt there two days ago was gone. It kind of upset me of course. Though what really pissed me off was that it was opened and rolled up then put in the other refrigerator (there are two at work) because who ever started didn't finish it and wanted to save it for later…Really WTF!!!! >_< It was adding insult to injury cause that same Monday my leftover chicken was taken!

Sure I didn't have my name written on my food. However I didn't think I had to or that it was necessary to do that!? Fuck! Isn't it common sense that if you didn't bring it you shouldn't eat it! What the hell is wrong with you if you have to take someone else food…? I get it that sometimes food has been there for a while and it just needs to go. If it’s been there for a week or two food meet trash can, but from Monday to Tuesday my chicken was gone. Then Wednesday to Friday my salad? Come on people?

I’m all for sharing (cause sharing is caring) but fuck really? What’s mine is mine. I bought it and brought it. So I don’t touch or take my stuff or anyone else food. I know I use the fucking golden rule but I think I’m the only one that does. Everyone wants to be treated well, but no one it seem is willing to do that for other. See and that’s the rub,  it there are no, if, ands, or but about it. Yet kindness, compassion oh and empathy is sparse…I think I’ma start naming my food Adriana…:-/

Who's a....what's a flirt!?

I have this problem…well to most it wouldn’t be, but for me it is. I’m a flirt. Except I’m not really, like I’ve said before I’m nice, uber nice (with people I don’t know so well) to the point sometime that it looks like flirting. I never could define flirting. See I just don’t think I do it well when I actually try. It’s confusing cause I don’t feel like I’m flirting?! Nevertheless I’m constantly being told that I do it and that I give guys, boys, men and some women the wrong idea (though the last one not so much). Mostly that I want them and I’m gonna go home with them (pssstt, to have sex ;-)) and maybe it would happen if they met the right height requirements but sadly most don’t.

Besides that is clearly not the message I wanna convey. When I go out I’m not really looking for anyone to hook up with. I just want to have fun.  The shenanigans we (my lovely friends and I) devise usually compels attention. So mostly I get the other guy, but hey I’m the other girl too so it’s cool, as a result (unless he’s being a drunktard). We sit and have what I think is a nice conversation. While he perceives it as that I am flirting with him. *le sigh* Still I can’t help it, it comes out in my smile (that I do it too much it happens when I’m nervous). That so while you’re talking, I usual have my complete focus on (paying attention!) you, though really I have the attention span of gnat and shinny things distract me!  Well unless you don’t count when I’m being antisocial. O.o

So on that note not only am I a flirt but I’m easy too?! The easiest of the easy…but I’m not even close to that at all. I wanna to be offend cause I’m a harded nut to crack and I never used to be the last call girl. But come on, it is what it is, and just cause someone throws attention my way they think they're gonna take me home have their way with me? Hmm....I think not! My brother once told me that I gotta stop looking like I’m interested in what these idiots say. Cause apparently that if you do that while nodding and smiling. They think you wanna have sex with them, plus add the fact that they might be holding their liquor very well with the shout for last call. Thinking that they're gonna get lucky. Again umm no. It’s a bit disconcerting.

Although on the flip side when getting attention from a very sober, very good looking guy. I have the tendency to run away. Why just last night I went to Tar’je (Target for those of you that don’t speak getto) with one of my girlfriends. Ugh! She a cute short little thing with big boobs… Soo you can image the inadequacy I feel when I’m with her. I don’t get looked at by anyone. Anyways the cashier was very handsome and tall. So when it was my turn to pay. He talks TO ME?! Actually he was flirts with me and I did’t know what to do so I smile and try to say something cute. But really it wasn't and I just walk way a bit mortified. I just don’t know how to handle either situation. So with that I say Grr Arrggg! Flirting is just not my forte…

Just horribly mean!

I know what you're thinking but I must confess that I am a mean girl. If you ever met me on the street I don't I’d give off that impression? And yes, I know that my other posting have been a tad bit bleak, broad line depressing and downright sadness at times (hmmm I think I just see it way). Anyways as everyone else has a kaleidoscope of emotions (it’s just emotions taking me over!) so do I, even though I’m more prone to dreary. But mean would be creeping up right next to it. You never really want to admit things like that to the general population. Most of the time they won’t believe you until an act of meanness is witnessed. Apparently my younger sibling witnessed such an account and was appalled. He couldn’t believe I would ever cut anyone down like that, to him I’m not that girl…

So mean…I am have been for years. I really I wanna say it’s all my mother’s fault for her intolerable ways and back handed comments. They just flows natural from her. The woman is a terror (I love my mother I really do). It’s just somehow she has this way of twisting some sweet and innocent comment or a look in to something just mean.  It's almost like the meanness rubs off on you. Then when you least except it seeps out. Then bam you've just said something especially horrible. Hereditary is a bitch.

Oh really for the most part, I'm ever amicable. Particularly when I’m a stranger, it’s that whole etiquette thing, if I don’t know you; my best behavior is what you’ll receive. Original my mouth has always gotten me in trouble, when I was little (meow, meow). I had the tendency to say the first thing that comes to mind. Clearly as you can guess it was never anything really nice. I recognize now that I had no filter but most children don’t and that is why we learn. Oh you know that whole stupid etiquette thing.  So having been on a leash as most children should be (learn young, learn quickly) I think. Therefore when was left free reign of my mouth it was never a good thing, It seemed like I opened my mouth to either insulted or hurt somebody’s feelings. I’m starting to look at myself with not entirely objective eyes (yeah like anyone you know can really look at themselves objectively). So for that reason I feel the first time I made an unkind remake I knew it was wrong but I didn’t care. The more I did it the more natural it seemed it was so mean…

-Adriana

Lookie here I never said…

Wallflower, well maybe I am, but that doesn’t really matter does it? Anyhow when I’ve met someone for the first time the impression I give off is… well you know what? I’m not sure what impression I give off, but for some reason after a while people that I get to know will tell me. Eventually that I seemed kind of rigid and sort of conceded (that’s mostly at work) and too quiet for my own good. I have been told a few times that I was very wallflower-ish as a teenager. I didn’t talk to many of my peers. I spoke only when spoken to, (especially with boys) moreover my mentally was they wanted to talk to my friends and not me.

In any case I still kind of feel that way…I am not the center I am the outer rings. Sounds silly I know. It’s just I don’t hang around ugly people for one, and two; all my dear and near friends have (umm how do, I put this without sounding resentful or envious) strong personalities with features to match. Men, guys, boys have no real interest in me when I’m with them (I feel like I’m not seen…maybe I’m wrong but that’s how it goes) the various occasions we’ve gone out. If I get an itch to go out solo, I’ve notice that I do, do the wallflower thing…Now I feel like I do it more often than not.

Again in the safety of the backround where no one comes, and no one dares to tread. I sit sometimes with a book but typically with my trusty phone. I know I do it to ostracize myself. Sure I play well with others in any environment. Except this age thing is kicking my ass. My faults and flaws are now more pronounced. 
I just can’t seem to get a handle on who I am, or what I want anymore. Even if I don’t think, I’ve ever really known what I’ve wanted. So I guess wallflower it is…

-Adriana

Wait just a moment, please

Now I'm the kind of girl that really does live in the moment. I like being spontaneous. I haven't plan or thought a head in years. It’s not my forte. It’s exciting to do things you know you shouldn’t be doing or to encourage something you know that’s gonna get you in trouble (all the good kind I swear). It’s thrilling when you’re being adventurous; on the spot let’s do this type of thing. Now I have been the voice of reason on many occasions, but that’s on for things that will get you thrown in jail, (cause we really ain’t got no monies for bail) that’s just not cute.

But let’s face is spontaneity is for the young. Oh sure, I’m still kind of young via my age, but more really my face. Yes, I know it sounds conceded but it’s true and very annoying. I get carded all the time, I’m kind of past eighteen and though I hate to admit this I’m also past twenty-five (now that I act like I’m ten is a completely different story). But still when I go buy spirits or tobacco, those bastards ask anyways. *sighs*

I’d like to think that I’ll always be like that unreliable and fun loving. As I look at myself now that’s just not who I am any more, finding myself older and older (you know you never really ever believe that you’ll get this old) makes you think about that stupid thing called the future. Ugh! The future and age sucks, balls! Big giant ones. All I want is to be able to stay up all night and drink till I pass out. Then get up two hours later; go to work all drunk and disorderly (but looking fresh as a daisy). While getting all my work done like before. Sadly I can’t, it makes me wanna cry a little in my face.

Why yesterday I was supposed to go out, and I really wanted to too. So I got home from work. Laid down to relax and watch some TV. Then I promptly fell asleep?! As I woke up four hours later from my not nap.  I awoke and raised my head and in that groggy moment when, my thoughts of getting up to see if I could still go out. Then looking at the time and thinking… Screw that Mmmmmmm sleep better… swiftly dropping my head back to my warm, warm, warm pillow before I have to wake in the wee hours of the morning for work. Ah the sadness, in fact I don’t know if it makes me wanna cry or laugh...

-Adriana

Not fine….there is no fine here

You know when someone asks you, how you are doing? Your automatic responds is fine. Sure you woke up this morning, got up and for sure you’re happy to be alive. But fine is such a relative word. It’s like okay or sure. We just want to generalize, cause no one is really looking for anything deeper. A nice sweet conversation about nothing leading nowhere, they’re just trying to be polite. No dept, no divulging in anything that matters to either of you… So why if no one really cares then why even try.

Well if you were raised with some kind of manners or anything a kin to etiquette. You’ll know it’s rude not to speak when spoken to. At home as a child we were to be seen not heard. Sitting quietly until told to do differently, and if we disobeyed there would be hell to pay…So from early on when you entered a room you said: Hello, then either introduce yourself. Or asked how do you do? Untill you left the room and said excuse me. Again if you didn't do those things your world as you know it would be bleak, cause once the guests would leave. Oh, be sure your ass would be grass. As a child, you learn to adapt, you're sweet, kind and lovely…that was the way to survive that moment.

So now as an adult I know I seem overly friendly but really it’s just good etiquette. That’s been drill into me with threats of not such a good time. To be fine for some is a way of life that we project to others. A mask that no one really cares to take off cause everyone is too busy being self absorbed. It’s also like talking about the weather or a sport that everyone likes. Fine is nothing, nothing at all and no one ever really is.

-Adriana

Really? One in a million...

So I'm very single... Surprising I know, cause I'm beautiful wonderful and lots of fun blah, blah, blah.... As a single person out in the world it's hard, and not the good kind. Sure you can go and do whatever the fuck you want whenever. And really I love my freedom but at a certain age you get the look and the talk; it's an oh really you don't have a boyfriend or any kids? You're so ______ _____ ______fill in the blanks if you will on how wonderful they think you are. Though what their really saying is wow you're sad and pathetic. Not only are you getting old but you're gonna die alone too (See no kid or significant other) you poor bastard. It's a Whf; are you weird because of it! Most people say yes, but I don't get it cause all the same people that wanna see you happy like they are. But I call bullshit cause you know, they're lives are fucked up and aren't really happy with their, five kids and of dickwad of spouse.

As a result what really everyone is saying is that you have some kind of character flaw cause you are not in a relationship or you lack the forethought to have children. It's like, so what everyone has their issues whether you’re pared up with kids or solo. I just don’t get being miserable with someone you’re supposed to love so much. Sure your kids I get…But I don’t like being looked down on just cause of that. If you’re gonna look down on me make it for something that I actually do or display. Because  I act like a twelve year old or the fact I still can’t take anything too seriously. I have so many to choose from but a lack of a spouse or children shouldn’t be one of them.

So you sit there with all the people that love and turly care about you. Telling you that you're a catch, a peach, that you’re sooo hot and you are, cause we all have something beautiful to give. Yet we are very much alone. Those friends are the ones that know the truth and sure we all wanna say we don’t know why we are alone, but come on YOU know why. Though we love hard and give it our all. Still we have failed relationship after relationship, and now that we are older. We’re jaded, skeptic, and broken. We are broken, but our love isn’t. I wish it was easier when you get involde in a relationship. When it ends and you break up. We all like to say nothing happens to you. You don’t change and stay the same. Though it would be kind of awesome it wouldn’t be realistic. I hate to say it, but we are and will be molded by the people we meet, love and definitely hurt us. The change is gradual with many turns but in the end we are different, though I don’t think anyone really sees it till the end.

Adriana

How do, I do?

Recently I was encouraged to start a blog of my own. I have this awesome friend who in my opinion is a true word smith. He suggested that I should share my rants and ramblings, cause he finds them so amusing in real life. I don't find myself fascinating or particularly exciting. Usually the words I use to describe myself are odd, weird, hermit like, Ooo and antisocial that's always a good one.

So let's start shall we...I don't have many friends as state above (cause of the antisocial thing) the friends I do have I've known for long periods of time my longest is...let's see we've known each other since we were five so about twenty-seven years. Now I feel old...not the point but the friendships I make or have made for me have always or are meant to last. I give my trust and heart if I feel that you are a genuine person inside...on the flip side I don't like people. I know it's a weird concept to grasp. And most people don't get me because sometimes I'm too shy and quite around the new. If I've know you for years or connect with you instantly I'm very open, wild and loud...Dear lord am I loud. Mostly I like to sit and watch yeah kind of creepy, Yup been called that too.

But as of lately I feel less of a friend and more of a... I'm not really sure what. These feeling make me want to retreat, stay away from all and everyone. Mostly I push away or stay away (see antisocial at it's finest). I just feel like I can't really be a good friend at all. I offer no real perspective on any real problems they might have. I'm just not up to par. I'm silly and annoying at most.  And as I've just notice I only think about myself. Maybe I should just do as I think and stay away. I am so depressing sometimes. Hopefully not all my entries will be this colorful or maybe they will. So on that sad note I end this...

Adriana