Hello...

Hello my name is Adriana and would like to say that I sing karaoke...I know what you're thinking. Omg! Like who does that? Well for one I do. It makes me happy, cause I like to sing. When I was younger my days were filled with video games, books, art and singing.  I annoyed all my siblings with random Disney songs. I was so corrupt by Disney I would have my oldest sibling find obscure Sing a long videos. My first was Disney Sing Along Songs: Under the Sea. What can I say I was obsessed with The Little Mermaid. (by the sea, by the sea, by the beautiful sea!) They were much harder to find back then. (no amazon or youtube) Although my obsession with Disney faded away. My obsession with singing hasn't.

Now I know as, many as you do. That it takes a certain type of person to sing freely in front of a crowd. Everyone is so afraid of public anything. I include myself the people who do sing are mostly those who have been dared or are really drunk. Still they are regulars. The people who go to these dive bars day in and day out to sing karaoke. They are freaks and weirdos. Yes I do fit into both of those categories. It's not easy being both. Most are there because they love to sing yes, bit some can take it to the extreme. It's like come on now, if your voice was that great, you'd have a record deal. Hello!

I digress, I do it because I am an attention whore, is what I want to say. Though when I sing, I like to sit in the corner so no one sees me. I like the attention that singing gives me. But not when they look at me with their judging eyes. (Ahhh! Stop judging me! Cause I only believe in science!) See the thing is my speaking voice sounds nothing like my singing voice. The way I look and the way I sound are completely different. Since my singing voice is fair enough that I can turn heads if I sing the right song. Most are in Awww and usually are asking, What? She was the one singing? When the voice and the face don't match up. It's a bit aggravating. See freak and weirdo, though I know people are gonna judge no matter what. 

I know that I annoy my family and friends with it and that is why I go to appropriate place and sing Karaoke. Tone deaf... that's all me baby! So if it's all you too find a place, cause it doesn't matter what anyone says I love to sing and I don't care if I sound like a cat in an alley way. Meow, meow! 

Gone, but not forgotten

Or maybe it's the other way around. I guess it doesn't matter in the end. I know that I've been gone for awhile. I'm not ready to talk about it openly on here, but. Maybe I'll get around to it later on who knows. I am very all over the place at times. So eventually it migth will end up here.

Still I digress I don't know how many times, I've written this. A few maybe more. See I don't think my life has gone in a downward spiral...But I certainly know I'm not moving. There seems to be no fire of motivation. The only real thing I've done is quit smoking. I kinda didn't really feel like I quit because one day out of the blue was smoking a cigarette and just tasted disgusting. Looking back on it, it didn't feel like I was quitting. It felt like I just had to stop..I've tried to let go of the atrocious habit before, it was just so difficult before. The more I tried the more I wanted to smoke.

Till a few days before one of my good friends birthday's at the end of March. All of a sudden I smoked one and the taste of it disgusted me! So I stopped cold turkey. So I quit and I thought that everything was fine, that I am fine. Although I've notice lately that I upset easier. My temper gets away from me sometimes I don't know why really. Little things that wouldn't bother at all, now annoy me. I've always had an abundance of patience with everyone, and now not so much. I'm trying to figure it out though.

So looking back on it I might have to start smoking again...lol Yeah not really, but it's funny cause the reason I did start smoking was to control the over whelming sadness. I was going though a tough time, and the threat of tears were so really. That the though of inhaling nicotine and tar seemed like a great idea at the time. It just need a crutch, a banded anything to make the hurt go away. It did, it was better for that moment. Those moment and days turned into years...I've been or should I say had been smoking for nine years. 

One moment of weakness turned into years of this horrid addiction. So every time I was stressed, upset or on the verge of tear, my answer was to smoke. I'd never really thought of it before but in all truth I'm super emotional. I calm not to be, I wish not to be, but I am. Sometimes it's like I feel it more the hurt, the sadness, the shame. I'm a plethora of emotions.  So now since my crutch is gone. I guess all those emotions that I have been bottling up. Have popped so I have to deal with the consequences. I just never imagined they'd be so severe. 

Maybe or should I say hopeful starting this again will help...I want to not me so everything (angry, upset, hurt) anymore.... 

I fought the law and the law won, Not really though

Technically I didn’t fight, (see last entry) but I was making faces (well they started it) with the best of them.  Now I'm an over *cough* thirty *cough* twenty something year old that’s never been in any real trouble with the man (damn the man). I've always been (a good girl, I don’t care what what’s his faces says) one to follow the rules (really it’s only ones enforced by guys with guns) even thought sometime I can bend a few…I have no priors, DUI's or speeding tickets. Clearly I'm not gonna lie... yeah I've had a few speeding tickets in the past but (I haven’t been caught speeding in what you would say) that was years. I’m on the straight and narrow dagnabit! Also I have that whole, fear of God thing going on and law abiding citizen. Is so much more appealing than jailbird . . . I hear that the jail scene is not cute.

So I stay away from the man and the man stays away from me. Yeah that’s it coppers. Still I often don't usually understand the concept of what's the right thing to do. Though I think that’s only on a personal level cause yeah just can’t seem to get that bit right. Something about train wrecks and horribly wrong decisions. Ah but those I have to live with…It just can’t be help (obviously it can but it’s my hot body I do what I want). The things that my mother and father taught me (for damn sure) is don't break laws. That I just keep that in mind and in all my life you'll be fine. 

Mmm it’s certainly all good in theory…except not my many people have actual run in with the authorities. I’m no stranger (danger!) to them either. I’ve had speeding tickets, being pulled over for the color of my skin…and now I’m being question for being in an area that has a lot of “Criminal actively” as they put it. Before I get ahead of myself let’s start at the beginning.

Permit me to paint a picture. Monday (that bastard of a day) had been stupid to me! The phones were on crack. The lines were crossed…yeah it wasn’t pretty. That day was a compete bust and I was really hoping Tuesday would be better. Calm and quiet sounded really nice, and since sleep still eludes me while I’m doing 10 hour work days. (Yay monies, boo weariness) At least Tuesday started that way. My lovely friend (the word smith that encouraged me to share my ridiculous myriad of thoughts via the written word) sent me a message says. We should totes make faces at each over dinner. So it was yay me’s all around! Work dragged on but hey it’s work so whatcha gonna. *meh* my two to three hours with lovely were entirely grand. We had a gay old time…good friends, good food, good drinks.

So the night ended well…or so I thought. When I got home about nine in the p.m., my special friend hit me up. Now you have to appreciate that I was fricking tired. So much so that ten minutes at home and I was already in my P.J.’s ready to go to mimis. Alas that is definitely not what occurred.

Okay back to my special friend’s call. Apparently she was currently out and about. She promptly asked if I wanted to came out and play. I spoke to her for about I wanna say about five minutes…and I was off. It didn’t take much coaxing to get me out and honestly I don’t know why I went. I was dead tired. Still I set off… to meet her, her not boy friend and his B-romance bubby at a restaurant...fun ensued. As the establishment that we reside was about to closed (You don’t have to go home but you gotta get the f out of here!). We swiftly move our party elsewhere. As it so happens her not boy friend was at this time lodging at Momo (you know hotel motel holiday inn, if your girl starts acting up then you take her friend!)

conversated about stuff and stuff when all of a sudden (hahaha!). A cop car pulls up. That was our first indication that we should have gone into the room.

Now when the cop'er asked us what we were doing crossing the street I took it in stride. It made me laugh cause really could he see that we like kind of fat. So with a simple observation he could determine that we were 1. Not short of breath…2. He would have seen us!! Estupid! He knew that we weren't doing anything, but still he harassed us. The thing is that maybe if we would’ve been a bit more cooperative. My SPF was oozing attitude. She was just plain being a bitch. In addition to that I was being an effing smart ass. Oh crap we were on a roll and that sure as hell didn't make happy.

But we weren’t doing any wrong!!! That's what pissed me off and made me act the way I did... My SPF well she just a bitch to the cops...I pretty sure her exact words were; "Fuck the police!...If they want me they come get me at my house!".  He was just a little man with a napoleon complex. He had power and choses to use it, tying to intimidate us.You know what they say about power and corruption going hand in hand. He made us sit on the walk way of the momo. He talked about criminal activity. He continued on with something about running warrants...we got frisked. Fun times! O_o

So all in all it was ridiculous, hahah all we need were some handcuffs so that our ensemble would have been complete…still I guess that’s what we get for being out at preposterous hour of the night or maybe morning depending on how you think. While being in a not so reputable area. Yay us!

It’s so hard to goodbye….

I know that I haven’t spoken too much about my work situation…not that anyone cares but if you do. Here it goes, so I’ve been working as a receptionist at a company in the city of La Mirada. All this info is relevant to my tiny rant. Currently we were told that the job would only be a temporary. That it would only last five to six months. Even with that information I was okay with that. Everyone knows how hard it is to find work these day blah, blah, blah damn the economy (damn the man!).

So I took it and even got my special friend a job here too. I always knew the time would come when we would have to leave the building. That this assignment would end. The thing is I wasn’t expecting was to fall in love (no stupid not romantically) the people that work here. Everyone is not only nice, they're quirky and funny as hell.

Let me tell you, about our boss does that man have some jokes. He was constantly talking shit and making jokes at our expense. He was mean but in a nice way that made you laugh. Apparently he said that we tell the best jokes in the reception area. I know he said that cause we are always laughing. I know that I’ll miss him lots.

Everyone in the warehouse is awesome too. There this one guy will call him Mr. J. He tells say how much he dreaded the end of the day cause it was far too long a wait to see me again. Hahaha I just don’t know how he could say it all with a straight face. He’s still going on about how the worst part of the building closing is that he won’t get to see me on at daily basis. Oh and Don R yeah that man is a hoot and a holler. Not only does he have a dirty mind but he also likes to share his awful thoughts so funny...All the peeps in finances department are eefing crazy, all of them. Ahh my kind of peeps. Now the things that have come out of their mouths are not for the meek of heart…all fun though. Oh J-dog I will miss her so, with all her silly stories that are congruent to all my silliness. All da homies in agent setup! I give my props!!! Oh and I can't forget Clark Kent I think I’ll miss him too, but only cause he is so pretty! Hahaaha…

I’ve never been a morning person I don’t like getting out of bed in the wee hours of the morning I don’t like doing it, it’s just that simple but I didn’t mind it so much working here. I can’t believe I’m actually admitting this. I’m gonna miss this place and the all (well most) of the people that work here. My desk, my stupid phone, computer, printer and the very lager flat screen TV (Aww soo pretty) in the lobby.

I sincerely never held great attachment in any work place. Even that one place I worked at for four years. Nevertheless I always kept my distance. I still have, it’s easier that way. I am nothing but cordial and I  still don’t like people so it’s easy to stay away. It’s different this time around. Even with all my wall in place, (to keep them away these people were able to worm they're way in to my heart) I know will miss and be missed. I’m sure of it…*happy smile*

I’m a lovah not a fighter

Fine maybe not a lovah per say. Now that I think, about I don’t think I’ve been anyone’s lovah. Hmmm still I’m more or less lovable goof ball (yeah when I’m not in my depressy moods). Nevertheless I’m not much of a fighter. Really I don't think many people are. Well except when it comes to the peeps I lovin. Cause then oh baby then it’s on like Donkey King Kong!

See lovable goof ball if you’re upset, angry or anywhere in between. I’m that one dope that’s gonna make that lame joke, say something silly or pop out with something so incredibly off the wall that you just can’t help but smile. I am whatever you need whenever you need it…Hmm that’s sounds like a song.

I’m pretty passive though. I think it’s because of my height even as a small child it was staggering. It’s always made me intimidating to others. As of consequence when I was little no one ever messed with or bullied me. Everyone was just too afraid of me. Especially with the looming risk I was going to hurt them. It made that part of school a little easier and sure a little lonely. It’s funny cause of that reason I met my every first friend. Yeah yeah…Aww que cute!

I don’t really remember if it was the first day of kindergarten or not, only that she was tiny and wore glasses. I think she the reason I’ve always wanted to wear glasses…(What? Dude! A chick that wears glasses is hot!! and well I wanna be hot too...) So were everyone else was picking on her. I was so not digging that shit. I'm that (squirrel) nut that will get in trouble just to help you... so there I go telling them to stop it; surprisingly enough she was left alone. Can you believe that to this day we are still friends. Holy mole! That's a long fricking time ago. I want to say that I know what it feels like to want to hurt someone for messing with you. Well perhaps I don’t, but that's why I don’t ever want to be that asshole.

I would rather give you other chance to not be an asshole. Still when all is said and done I would rather turn the other (ass) cheek. Ignore you cause really why would I waste my time with you, if you obviously don’t matter to me. I want to be the bigger person. Since I always have been literally. Hey I try to be as considerate as possible. Here the rub a lot of people are douche bags… sometimes it just can’t be helped. Like I said before I don't like people. No really I don't… ^_^

The thing you have to be careful when dealing with me. Is yes I will always try and give you the benefit of the doubt, But you can only poke the bear so much before it socks you in your face. Besides if a conflict arises and if I don’t have energy to be extremely outraged or I don’t have someone egging me on (or the poking).  Mostly likely it’s not gonna happen. I’m not gonna stoop down to your level (douche Mac doucher!).

Now if I do have that encouragement, energy or (again you have pokened the bear) you’re threatening my lovely peeps. You know how they say that watch out for a woman scorn forget about that. Cause oh dear lorT save you cause I’m gonna stomp you out. It won’t be pretty; it’s just as simple as that.

Oh yeah P.S. Dia nueve I'm still al'ight on that fb stuff. Now I'm reading more and it's back to the video games! PS2 rules!!! 

Six, Six, Six...maybe it is the devil

So as I was reading my last entry. I notice that not only was I all over the place with my thoughts. I saw it truly didn’t make any sense. Hey, hey, now don’t make that face! I know what you’re saying this chick hardly makes any sense at all. Yeah I misspell words…leave words out…sometimes I don’t even complete my thoughts.

Still I know that words have never been one of my finer points.  I just wanted to put it out there that I know I suck (yeah in the good way too) however I’d like to think that most understand. If you feel that my tangents are a bit erratic. Its cause well I am. Me a focus are not good friends. Nope that bitch don’t like but you know what I don’t like that bitch either. So there we’re even.

With all that said the saga continues; I want y’all to know that I feel like this lent thing should be kicking my ass. I’m on day six and I feel as I should be dying without it (FB)…to be completely honest I was fine I really was. Until last night I didn’t have a slip up but I couldn’t sleep last night.

Now I’ve never really ever had good sleeping habits (ugh don’t really have any good kind of habits). More often than not I can’t sleep; it’s been a problem of mine for years. As kid they would send us to bed (I shared a room with sibling four) while he was in sweet, sweet slumber. I would be wide wake hearing him sore. So yeah I sore too but when you can sleep and the person in the same room as you sores (like a Mac Tuck)… it makes it a little difficult to sleep.

Therefore last night I was tempted (by the fruit of another!) to jump on that bitch. I didn’t of course; I don’t want to cheat. I maybe a lot of things however a cheat isn’t one of them. Hmmm though sibling two once told me. She could see me doing it if I wanted to be a bitch. Meh oh well….right back to my point I just felt restless, like I had an itch I couldn’t scratch.  When really all I wanted to do was sleep except my brain didn’t wanna stop thinking stupid thoughts. Ugh stupid, stupid, stupid!  

In spite of everything I stayed strong…I didn’t give in to my urges. I just need to say that I have been too tired today to really think about my almost laps (excluding this interlude) or FB. I have been good… well as good as anyone would expect me to be…cause really how good do you want be to be?

Day 2

Well I don’t know if I should chronicle each day individually or only post when maybe my will is waning? I do have a physical book or journal that I am writing in everyday about this experience. I do write when I am upset or feel like I can’t really discuss the issues that I’m having at the time with anyone.

So I just might be writing everyday. Now today wasn’t too difficult except for the fact that my very special friend told me I was cheating. I asked he why? Apparently I’m cheating cause I’m using other social networking sites.

Yes I’m that weirdo that has to have everything. Of courses I use Google+, I have Instagram and Twat sometimes. However I’m don’t constantly using those other site like I use FB. Not only I am playing the games on there all the time, I’m also posting checking while checking my news feeds…hey don’t’ judge me I know that I’m not the only person that does this.

I went out on Wednesday I do that every now and then (go out on a weekday well cause I don’t have children or a significant other) since I don’t have anyone to answer to. Well since I didn’t post a message saying I was going to go off the grid. I went out to see the people and give out some chocolate strawberries I made. 

I told my favorite bartender about this little project I was doing. She told me there's no way in hell she would be able to stay away from FB. Said something about FB being her crack. She is soo pretty. But I don't think it's cheating because I don't use any other one like I use FB...ugh anyway day 2 still pretty strong...no faults yet...