Gone, but not forgotten

Or maybe it's the other way around. I guess it doesn't matter in the end. I know that I've been gone for awhile. I'm not ready to talk about it openly on here, but. Maybe I'll get around to it later on who knows. I am very all over the place at times. So eventually it migth will end up here.

Still I digress I don't know how many times, I've written this. A few maybe more. See I don't think my life has gone in a downward spiral...But I certainly know I'm not moving. There seems to be no fire of motivation. The only real thing I've done is quit smoking. I kinda didn't really feel like I quit because one day out of the blue was smoking a cigarette and just tasted disgusting. Looking back on it, it didn't feel like I was quitting. It felt like I just had to stop..I've tried to let go of the atrocious habit before, it was just so difficult before. The more I tried the more I wanted to smoke.

Till a few days before one of my good friends birthday's at the end of March. All of a sudden I smoked one and the taste of it disgusted me! So I stopped cold turkey. So I quit and I thought that everything was fine, that I am fine. Although I've notice lately that I upset easier. My temper gets away from me sometimes I don't know why really. Little things that wouldn't bother at all, now annoy me. I've always had an abundance of patience with everyone, and now not so much. I'm trying to figure it out though.

So looking back on it I might have to start smoking again...lol Yeah not really, but it's funny cause the reason I did start smoking was to control the over whelming sadness. I was going though a tough time, and the threat of tears were so really. That the though of inhaling nicotine and tar seemed like a great idea at the time. It just need a crutch, a banded anything to make the hurt go away. It did, it was better for that moment. Those moment and days turned into years...I've been or should I say had been smoking for nine years. 

One moment of weakness turned into years of this horrid addiction. So every time I was stressed, upset or on the verge of tear, my answer was to smoke. I'd never really thought of it before but in all truth I'm super emotional. I calm not to be, I wish not to be, but I am. Sometimes it's like I feel it more the hurt, the sadness, the shame. I'm a plethora of emotions.  So now since my crutch is gone. I guess all those emotions that I have been bottling up. Have popped so I have to deal with the consequences. I just never imagined they'd be so severe. 

Maybe or should I say hopeful starting this again will help...I want to not me so everything (angry, upset, hurt) anymore.... 

I fought the law and the law won, Not really though

Technically I didn’t fight, (see last entry) but I was making faces (well they started it) with the best of them.  Now I'm an over *cough* thirty *cough* twenty something year old that’s never been in any real trouble with the man (damn the man). I've always been (a good girl, I don’t care what what’s his faces says) one to follow the rules (really it’s only ones enforced by guys with guns) even thought sometime I can bend a few…I have no priors, DUI's or speeding tickets. Clearly I'm not gonna lie... yeah I've had a few speeding tickets in the past but (I haven’t been caught speeding in what you would say) that was years. I’m on the straight and narrow dagnabit! Also I have that whole, fear of God thing going on and law abiding citizen. Is so much more appealing than jailbird . . . I hear that the jail scene is not cute.

So I stay away from the man and the man stays away from me. Yeah that’s it coppers. Still I often don't usually understand the concept of what's the right thing to do. Though I think that’s only on a personal level cause yeah just can’t seem to get that bit right. Something about train wrecks and horribly wrong decisions. Ah but those I have to live with…It just can’t be help (obviously it can but it’s my hot body I do what I want). The things that my mother and father taught me (for damn sure) is don't break laws. That I just keep that in mind and in all my life you'll be fine. 

Mmm it’s certainly all good in theory…except not my many people have actual run in with the authorities. I’m no stranger (danger!) to them either. I’ve had speeding tickets, being pulled over for the color of my skin…and now I’m being question for being in an area that has a lot of “Criminal actively” as they put it. Before I get ahead of myself let’s start at the beginning.

Permit me to paint a picture. Monday (that bastard of a day) had been stupid to me! The phones were on crack. The lines were crossed…yeah it wasn’t pretty. That day was a compete bust and I was really hoping Tuesday would be better. Calm and quiet sounded really nice, and since sleep still eludes me while I’m doing 10 hour work days. (Yay monies, boo weariness) At least Tuesday started that way. My lovely friend (the word smith that encouraged me to share my ridiculous myriad of thoughts via the written word) sent me a message says. We should totes make faces at each over dinner. So it was yay me’s all around! Work dragged on but hey it’s work so whatcha gonna. *meh* my two to three hours with lovely were entirely grand. We had a gay old time…good friends, good food, good drinks.

So the night ended well…or so I thought. When I got home about nine in the p.m., my special friend hit me up. Now you have to appreciate that I was fricking tired. So much so that ten minutes at home and I was already in my P.J.’s ready to go to mimis. Alas that is definitely not what occurred.

Okay back to my special friend’s call. Apparently she was currently out and about. She promptly asked if I wanted to came out and play. I spoke to her for about I wanna say about five minutes…and I was off. It didn’t take much coaxing to get me out and honestly I don’t know why I went. I was dead tired. Still I set off… to meet her, her not boy friend and his B-romance bubby at a restaurant...fun ensued. As the establishment that we reside was about to closed (You don’t have to go home but you gotta get the f out of here!). We swiftly move our party elsewhere. As it so happens her not boy friend was at this time lodging at Momo (you know hotel motel holiday inn, if your girl starts acting up then you take her friend!)

conversated about stuff and stuff when all of a sudden (hahaha!). A cop car pulls up. That was our first indication that we should have gone into the room.

Now when the cop'er asked us what we were doing crossing the street I took it in stride. It made me laugh cause really could he see that we like kind of fat. So with a simple observation he could determine that we were 1. Not short of breath…2. He would have seen us!! Estupid! He knew that we weren't doing anything, but still he harassed us. The thing is that maybe if we would’ve been a bit more cooperative. My SPF was oozing attitude. She was just plain being a bitch. In addition to that I was being an effing smart ass. Oh crap we were on a roll and that sure as hell didn't make happy.

But we weren’t doing any wrong!!! That's what pissed me off and made me act the way I did... My SPF well she just a bitch to the cops...I pretty sure her exact words were; "Fuck the police!...If they want me they come get me at my house!".  He was just a little man with a napoleon complex. He had power and choses to use it, tying to intimidate us.You know what they say about power and corruption going hand in hand. He made us sit on the walk way of the momo. He talked about criminal activity. He continued on with something about running warrants...we got frisked. Fun times! O_o

So all in all it was ridiculous, hahah all we need were some handcuffs so that our ensemble would have been complete…still I guess that’s what we get for being out at preposterous hour of the night or maybe morning depending on how you think. While being in a not so reputable area. Yay us!

It’s so hard to goodbye….

I know that I haven’t spoken too much about my work situation…not that anyone cares but if you do. Here it goes, so I’ve been working as a receptionist at a company in the city of La Mirada. All this info is relevant to my tiny rant. Currently we were told that the job would only be a temporary. That it would only last five to six months. Even with that information I was okay with that. Everyone knows how hard it is to find work these day blah, blah, blah damn the economy (damn the man!).

So I took it and even got my special friend a job here too. I always knew the time would come when we would have to leave the building. That this assignment would end. The thing is I wasn’t expecting was to fall in love (no stupid not romantically) the people that work here. Everyone is not only nice, they're quirky and funny as hell.

Let me tell you, about our boss does that man have some jokes. He was constantly talking shit and making jokes at our expense. He was mean but in a nice way that made you laugh. Apparently he said that we tell the best jokes in the reception area. I know he said that cause we are always laughing. I know that I’ll miss him lots.

Everyone in the warehouse is awesome too. There this one guy will call him Mr. J. He tells say how much he dreaded the end of the day cause it was far too long a wait to see me again. Hahaha I just don’t know how he could say it all with a straight face. He’s still going on about how the worst part of the building closing is that he won’t get to see me on at daily basis. Oh and Don R yeah that man is a hoot and a holler. Not only does he have a dirty mind but he also likes to share his awful thoughts so funny...All the peeps in finances department are eefing crazy, all of them. Ahh my kind of peeps. Now the things that have come out of their mouths are not for the meek of heart…all fun though. Oh J-dog I will miss her so, with all her silly stories that are congruent to all my silliness. All da homies in agent setup! I give my props!!! Oh and I can't forget Clark Kent I think I’ll miss him too, but only cause he is so pretty! Hahaaha…

I’ve never been a morning person I don’t like getting out of bed in the wee hours of the morning I don’t like doing it, it’s just that simple but I didn’t mind it so much working here. I can’t believe I’m actually admitting this. I’m gonna miss this place and the all (well most) of the people that work here. My desk, my stupid phone, computer, printer and the very lager flat screen TV (Aww soo pretty) in the lobby.

I sincerely never held great attachment in any work place. Even that one place I worked at for four years. Nevertheless I always kept my distance. I still have, it’s easier that way. I am nothing but cordial and I  still don’t like people so it’s easy to stay away. It’s different this time around. Even with all my wall in place, (to keep them away these people were able to worm they're way in to my heart) I know will miss and be missed. I’m sure of it…*happy smile*

I’m a lovah not a fighter

Fine maybe not a lovah per say. Now that I think, about I don’t think I’ve been anyone’s lovah. Hmmm still I’m more or less lovable goof ball (yeah when I’m not in my depressy moods). Nevertheless I’m not much of a fighter. Really I don't think many people are. Well except when it comes to the peeps I lovin. Cause then oh baby then it’s on like Donkey King Kong!

See lovable goof ball if you’re upset, angry or anywhere in between. I’m that one dope that’s gonna make that lame joke, say something silly or pop out with something so incredibly off the wall that you just can’t help but smile. I am whatever you need whenever you need it…Hmm that’s sounds like a song.

I’m pretty passive though. I think it’s because of my height even as a small child it was staggering. It’s always made me intimidating to others. As of consequence when I was little no one ever messed with or bullied me. Everyone was just too afraid of me. Especially with the looming risk I was going to hurt them. It made that part of school a little easier and sure a little lonely. It’s funny cause of that reason I met my every first friend. Yeah yeah…Aww que cute!

I don’t really remember if it was the first day of kindergarten or not, only that she was tiny and wore glasses. I think she the reason I’ve always wanted to wear glasses…(What? Dude! A chick that wears glasses is hot!! and well I wanna be hot too...) So were everyone else was picking on her. I was so not digging that shit. I'm that (squirrel) nut that will get in trouble just to help you... so there I go telling them to stop it; surprisingly enough she was left alone. Can you believe that to this day we are still friends. Holy mole! That's a long fricking time ago. I want to say that I know what it feels like to want to hurt someone for messing with you. Well perhaps I don’t, but that's why I don’t ever want to be that asshole.

I would rather give you other chance to not be an asshole. Still when all is said and done I would rather turn the other (ass) cheek. Ignore you cause really why would I waste my time with you, if you obviously don’t matter to me. I want to be the bigger person. Since I always have been literally. Hey I try to be as considerate as possible. Here the rub a lot of people are douche bags… sometimes it just can’t be helped. Like I said before I don't like people. No really I don't… ^_^

The thing you have to be careful when dealing with me. Is yes I will always try and give you the benefit of the doubt, But you can only poke the bear so much before it socks you in your face. Besides if a conflict arises and if I don’t have energy to be extremely outraged or I don’t have someone egging me on (or the poking).  Mostly likely it’s not gonna happen. I’m not gonna stoop down to your level (douche Mac doucher!).

Now if I do have that encouragement, energy or (again you have pokened the bear) you’re threatening my lovely peeps. You know how they say that watch out for a woman scorn forget about that. Cause oh dear lorT save you cause I’m gonna stomp you out. It won’t be pretty; it’s just as simple as that.

Oh yeah P.S. Dia nueve I'm still al'ight on that fb stuff. Now I'm reading more and it's back to the video games! PS2 rules!!! 

Six, Six, Six...maybe it is the devil

So as I was reading my last entry. I notice that not only was I all over the place with my thoughts. I saw it truly didn’t make any sense. Hey, hey, now don’t make that face! I know what you’re saying this chick hardly makes any sense at all. Yeah I misspell words…leave words out…sometimes I don’t even complete my thoughts.

Still I know that words have never been one of my finer points.  I just wanted to put it out there that I know I suck (yeah in the good way too) however I’d like to think that most understand. If you feel that my tangents are a bit erratic. Its cause well I am. Me a focus are not good friends. Nope that bitch don’t like but you know what I don’t like that bitch either. So there we’re even.

With all that said the saga continues; I want y’all to know that I feel like this lent thing should be kicking my ass. I’m on day six and I feel as I should be dying without it (FB)…to be completely honest I was fine I really was. Until last night I didn’t have a slip up but I couldn’t sleep last night.

Now I’ve never really ever had good sleeping habits (ugh don’t really have any good kind of habits). More often than not I can’t sleep; it’s been a problem of mine for years. As kid they would send us to bed (I shared a room with sibling four) while he was in sweet, sweet slumber. I would be wide wake hearing him sore. So yeah I sore too but when you can sleep and the person in the same room as you sores (like a Mac Tuck)… it makes it a little difficult to sleep.

Therefore last night I was tempted (by the fruit of another!) to jump on that bitch. I didn’t of course; I don’t want to cheat. I maybe a lot of things however a cheat isn’t one of them. Hmmm though sibling two once told me. She could see me doing it if I wanted to be a bitch. Meh oh well….right back to my point I just felt restless, like I had an itch I couldn’t scratch.  When really all I wanted to do was sleep except my brain didn’t wanna stop thinking stupid thoughts. Ugh stupid, stupid, stupid!  

In spite of everything I stayed strong…I didn’t give in to my urges. I just need to say that I have been too tired today to really think about my almost laps (excluding this interlude) or FB. I have been good… well as good as anyone would expect me to be…cause really how good do you want be to be?

Day 2

Well I don’t know if I should chronicle each day individually or only post when maybe my will is waning? I do have a physical book or journal that I am writing in everyday about this experience. I do write when I am upset or feel like I can’t really discuss the issues that I’m having at the time with anyone.

So I just might be writing everyday. Now today wasn’t too difficult except for the fact that my very special friend told me I was cheating. I asked he why? Apparently I’m cheating cause I’m using other social networking sites.

Yes I’m that weirdo that has to have everything. Of courses I use Google+, I have Instagram and Twat sometimes. However I’m don’t constantly using those other site like I use FB. Not only I am playing the games on there all the time, I’m also posting checking while checking my news feeds…hey don’t’ judge me I know that I’m not the only person that does this.

I went out on Wednesday I do that every now and then (go out on a weekday well cause I don’t have children or a significant other) since I don’t have anyone to answer to. Well since I didn’t post a message saying I was going to go off the grid. I went out to see the people and give out some chocolate strawberries I made. 

I told my favorite bartender about this little project I was doing. She told me there's no way in hell she would be able to stay away from FB. Said something about FB being her crack. She is soo pretty. But I don't think it's cheating because I don't use any other one like I use FB...ugh anyway day 2 still pretty strong...no faults yet...

Forty days and forty Nights

See I’m catholic born and raised. So the fear of god has been instilled in me from a very early age. Not that I fear god (well maybe a little) but it was always something that was in the back of my mind. Every time we’re doing something ahem…dare I say bad? No, no more naughty? Wait I got it when we’re feeling exuberantly mischievous. So we were not bad per say just very enthusiastic with projects.

 Anyway we did all the things that good Catholics practices that are incorporate in the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus (aka jebus) Christ’s (aka Bunny day! I don’t get it where the hell does the bunny come from? aka Easter). So these would include Ash Wednesday…you know where they anoint you with (cigarette) ash and Lent.

Lent now I’m not really sure of all the actual technicalities of what you’re supposed to do. And sure I could look it up but don’t wanna can’t make me. Still these are the things my mother would make us do as children. One we were not supposed to eat meat. I get it’s about how he went without or something to that effect. Now this second one we didn’t practice until we got older cause I guess of the commitment. That you have to give something, you really love or maybe are addicted to.

I know, why do it If you don’t really understand it. Well I asked my mother once about it. As a consequence she gave me a dirty look that lead me lead to a long lecture about how Jebus die for our sin…and you can give up one thing you like for 40 days, and forty nights for him… -_- Ugh! Man can that women guilty me with the greatest of ease. She is so graceful with her words when she wants to be.

So with that said…It was something that I had to do. Therefore as a teenager I would usually give up candy or video games. I love love love candy…I always have but as long as I don’t have it in my face I can resist its sweet sweet call. Video games were much hard to relinquish; they were my escape, hide away from the bad times. Nevertheless it was something, save for some slip ups here and there, we (I) did pretty well.

Now as I got older with new vices to renounce things got a little funny. Yeah I mean the haahaha kind. One year I stopped smoking oh my, was that not pretty. Other year I gave up having sex…then there was the year I gave up alcohol…well this year I’m giving up Facebook. I can honestly say that I’m addicted like sex and smoking.

Come on people Facebook is a vice there are some (like me) that are on it continually. I was usually playing the FB games. I couldn’t help it I am hooked. Still I think it’s the fact that I could post snide comment that I make mentally or that my random thought were it was a place i could always express it. If that’s what I wanted, except details, no those are all mine…only special people get those.  

So I started on Wednesday. I didn’t post a last message I just logged out and delete the apps on my phone. At first I was like Ahhhhh!!!! I can believe, I’m really gonna do this!!! Then got home and delete the bookmark on my internet browser (Chrome Rules!! Fox Drools!) So Thursday was Day 1 and this should have post this then. Although it’s better late than never.

I’ve started strong. I think the fact that I delete everything on my phone helped. The temptation lingers though. I still know that and flick of a finger I can go now FB with my internet browser via my phone or at home too! Then I think of all the things I did on the online before I know I can do this…however I really do fear that I will falter.

Umm wish me luck! or Strength!

Judging me, judging you!

Well first off, if you sit there reading this with the thought that you don’t do that crossing your mind; 1. you are a lying liar and 2.it’s so hard not to do. I don’t know about studies or anything that might be proven with facts. I’m just not that type of girl (well maybe I am but the laziness). However I have lived with women that are horribly judgmental (love you mother!). You want to judged by a judgie judgers just come over to my house. She doesn’t even have to open her mouth. You know she’s doing it just by the look that she's giving you. (Laser beams pew! pew! pew!) It’s horrifying. If you're not use to it, still like I said before we all do it. Sometime without even think about it. Automatically thoughts over take our mind…except not only do you judge,(hey hey now don’t look at me that way) you also make like you’re better than them. Hey I’m not gonna lie I know I do it.

You know you shouldn't! It’s bad. You know the bible says  ummm something about judging that ye be judged. Something about rocks and stones…Okay I understand god is all omnipotent and there is only one for some. Still the whole god thing to me, is hey whatever floats your boat…See I wanna mock while going blah, blah lots but I’m afraid to be struck down by lighting. Hey I know how it works. Well maybe not but still let’s be on the safe side.

Still you wanna sit there (like god, but not really): All like I’m better then everyone (It’s my hot body I do what I want!) Sure there are some better off than everyone else. Prettier, starter, what other more ers are there? Still that doesn’t make you make you better (Ha! found one, oh wait no, no I didn’t the sadness)*head hangs in shame*. Except the question still remains, what makes it okay to judge when we know we’re not supposed too? What make one person better than another? What constitutes a good person? Oops my bad that’s was like totally more the one. Ah the wonders/joys of a wandering mind.

However I think if you have to say that you’re a good person then mostly likely you’re not. Who brags about all the good deeds that they do or has done and says it aloud? I don’t dig that at all we (I) what we do because we can. No more or less. Oh my, I’m hopeful that I am little above average on the judging thing or maybe I just wish to be. Still it’s hard to be tolerant,(when your think you're blah, blah) and harder still to over come.... 

You want some cheese with that whine?

I don’t like to advertise it, but I am a Libra…don’t make that face. I know what you’re thing besides that you automatically think flaky, irresponsible, shallow and sure except for that last one.  I’m your typical Libra. What does that have anything to do with the whiny cheese? Well I like to blame it on the fact that I am a Libra cause for some odd reason I can get people to divulge information that’s a bit um tooTMI!? O_o I get from life story, to problems in they're every day life. So for the most part it’s fine, sometimes amusing though other times I can be: Ugh Jebus! Why oh why are you telling me this? I always get the weird ones.

Now I'll never be the one to tell you straight out that you're....umm stupid in your face. Even if it’s a stranger, who’s TMIing me. That's just not who I am. Some think I’m too nice, that I don’t like to hurt the feelings of the people I love or I’m just plain weak. Still I believe it’s just that I have what some people might refer to as tact, discretion, delicacy with most situation...it’s something you really need. Oh along with the fact that I have compassion for all the little children of the world. Come on you can’t be an asshole all the time. Umm perhaps it’s it can’t ran all the time? But there are some that can help it they’re automatically give advice or they're opinion when it hasn’t been asked for. Look here missy if I want your view on the subject, I’d beat out of you…tee hee hee.

So I just feel that sometimes you just have to shut your face and listen (yeah this means you!). If someone is disclosing a grievance to you, it's because they trust you (or in my case I just got that kind of face?) and need to get it off their chest. You are their confidant (friend, or again face!) and that's okay. Cause no one is perfect or wants to be told "Wow! You know what? You're really stupid for thinking and feeling the way you do." Sure maybe they might be to you, but in those moments to them their world is kind of falling apart. Who wants to be told that when all they want is a little empathy? It's like come on don’t be a douche bag.

Still there are others who, want to be told. “Wake up stupid! What the heck are you doing or thinking?” Here is the rub they really don’t, most see themselves as faultless, unless someone is truly prepared for your opinion or advice. They’re not gonna take it or listen they’re just gonna get mad. Ugh it’s stupid cause they asked for and now their upset?! Come on you asked for it!!! Ass! Or they take a cheap shot at you? WTF!!! Then if the tables are turned, they can’t wait to tell you what’s wrong with you and how everyone else but them is right. 

So last but not least we know that: the golden rule is key, a friend in need is a friend indeed and honestly is the best policy unless the person you’re talking to is not asking for your two cent. In which any case means just keep it to yourself…-_- 

Pretty but in not pink!

See the thing is I’m a tomboy! I’ve never been much of a girly girl. Sure I played with dolls but I also played with cars, and video games. I think I might have mentioned it before. But my youngest sibling was a boy. Hence I played in the dirt, trees and on roofs (it’s always fun till someone breaks a limb ^_^). Also my father played a big role in my rearing in view of the fact that me and sibling four were so close in age. So I know how to change tired, check the oil (Ooo and put gas) in the car because that’s important.

Playing with makeup or getting pretty was a weird concept to me. Since my two older siblings were girls and too far away in age from me. They got older started partying and putting on makeup and going out to clubs. I was barely old enough to go to a pg-13 rated movie. I would steal my sibling three’s make up and paint with ha ha aha that was fun she didn’t like it so much though.

Then there is fact that my mother had me at a later age, I think she was like 36? Yes, it’s not that old but when you think about, I mean really think about it is. That’s one of the biggest fears that I have (cause I don’t got no kids and yes I’m old, well not so much) but if an oops happens or I find that one person. That I can consider in taking the pleasure of having children with it's gonna be at age like my mother. So I’ll be too tired and neglectful to be a good parent. I know that some people shouldn’t have children at any age *cough*Kim*cough*Kardashian *cough*. Sure she might make a good mom but who knows. Though I’m not one to talk it’s not that I have all my stuff together far from it.

Not only are children are a great responsibility and a horrible financial burden (I know sound like a baby hater, I’m not really), but their a lifelong commitment. So I’m deathly afraid of that commitment oh to have a child (you poor bastard cause you know that's what it's gonna be) Wow! I don’t commit well to anything perhaps still I might be able to handle it if I had a boy. I think probably I could do it, cope (really I have to cope with him, he sounds like a drug problem) I mean you know raise him. I think boy I could do by myself maybe. But a girl I’m not equipped (well I kind of am, but that is so not the point) for her…Oh dear lord I don’t think I could do it. With girls you have to pay attention to detail. Sure you put that on you résumé (who doesn’t) but are you really? With them it’s their hair, cloths and you have make sure they're all prim and proper all the time (yeah I know Pot, meet Kettle).

The other thing is I just don’t want to mess up anyone. I’m not stable and to try to give at child (my child) to raise it to be emotionally stable and have that self confidence, that I don’t even have myself. I can’t see myself being there 100%. I don’t want to have to look at them all grown up and know that (I did that to them) I fail them…I don’t want that responsibility. I don’t want to be the cause of someone else pain. I know that's really selfish of me, sure possibly I might make a good mom. I just might but I just don’t see it.

Since if I can only just take care of myself…Who would expect me to take care of something else? Okay so how the hell did this end up being about babies? Damn you biological clock you are a ticking but I digress….So see me girlie not so much (Oh for the love of fuzzy you with the details) though I can do it. Sure it takes me a minute… still it’s kind of a miracle I can put on makeup. I learned with no real instruction. It’s not cute when you go around looking like a clown. Nobody really wants to tell you to your face that you look stupid. They’ll typically laugh and point behind your back (that’s why most days I go makeup lesssss).  Walking in heel is a real pain in the butt! I’m sure many know this of course. Except I didn’t at the time ugh! Did you know that you have to practice in heels? So among many falls since I can barely walk in tennis shoes. Yup, yup I’m klutz walking. I trip on my own feet. Consequently when it comes down to it you have to be careful or you could seriously hurt yourself.  Dress like a girl? Yes except I technical didn't dress myself till I was eighteen. Mother had grace and style. So I can say that it wasn’t too hard? Although as I got older there were some difficulties because money is an issue and we always kind of did. Still sometimes I have my moments even now…

Having to do this (rite of passage) getting dressed up, it’s kind hard as well as unnatural also a lot of work for me…so you know what (if I’m not gonna get laid what’s the point of me doing it? ha ha aha) but really I have to or you gotta 1. Be family (love you mother) 2. love you (and not like a play cousin) or 3. want to impress you…even that one is just barely a reason. In spite of everything looking and acting like a true girlie girl has never my default mode. However I try and isn’t that half the battle? Hmmm maybe that’s something else?

A little Chilly Willy...that's what she said!

Well as I’ve said to many (okay maybe just to three) so I could get a laugh (I like to make you laugh it’s my thing). I am a squirrel actually more of a nut. I know, you keep thinking where is this going? (I’m not sure either) But if you stay with me I have a point I want to make…I think, it’s coming (that’s what she said!) I swear. Look my thoughts have a tendency to run away from me with the fork (I meant dish stupid fork!) and the spoon.

Okay with that said I think I’ll get on to my point. It’s stuper fracking (I’m trying not to swear here no more…umm let’s how long that lasts) cold! So I get chilly all the time (I think it’s a lymph nodes problem…should probably get that checked one of these day).O_o I’ve stood around outside with other people when it’s moderately chilly, and I’m fracking shaking like it’s 20 below?! I can’t help… I’m sooo cold. T_T

Still I know I shouldn’t be bitching (is not a swear word it means a female dog). Since clearly I live in SoCo. Where it’s always blah, blah, blah…sunny and what not. (I call bullpoop! Many times over!) Sure it’s a sunny that’s true but the wind chill is on crack! I go outside mid-day to stretch my legs (ahem smoke a cigarette) and I’ll be standing in the sun and I’m still fracking shivering?! How does that even work I’m in direct sun light warmness should fill me! That’s what she said…okay I’ll stop…maybe. ^_^

If I lived anywhere else (vis a vis where it snows) I WOULD SURELY DIED!!!! Ahhhhh!  I get teased all the time at work for coming looking like a frecking Eskimo. Yeah I said it, I start off by wear my normal cloths. Then I add a scarf, a sweater (for good measure) and to top it off a very heavy pea coat! So yeah I wouldn't make it anywhere else. I don't know if I could adapt. >,<

I know that somewhere deep down you are a little like me (no no no not cracked out). I mean you have issues with the cold weather! Oh for the love of fuzzy! Don’t get me wrong I don’t lovin the heat! Cold so much better than the hot, hot, heat! (Bandage on, legs and my arms for you!!) Because it’s obviously insufferable, and you can’t get away from it!

So we move from insufferable heat to unbearable cold. Damn you, severe climate change!!! O, Ozone layer, Ozone layer, wherefore art thou Ozone layer! Sure I’m being overly dramatic. I just can’t help it. I be poor and a new space heater is not in the budget. So I have to make do with blankets heavy blankets, many heavy blankets. Sure it gets nice and warm. Though when morning rolls around I’m more tired than rested and in the end I’m still cold… chilly rat bastard!

Give hoot resolute?

Aah…It’s a New Year, new beginnings though most thought that 2012 was our last!? People are so funny sometime. I think of it like this; yeah the worlds going to but not for everyone. So many die every day so for them the world has ended, but for the rest of us (on the chain gang) it’s a different year same old bullshit. Yeah I said it. I know that I kind of sound like I am a pessimist (Fuck you my glass is half empty). The thing is that all my optimistism is reserved for the people I love because (I always want the best for them. I lovin you all) it’s easy for me see the good for them. Not so much for me, but if you want I’ll be your biggest (hey, hey, now no fat jokes) cheerleader. My support (unlike a bra is infinity) and encouragement is all yours all you have to do is ask (ummm really just look sad). I just can’t do it for myself.

So a friend asked me do you have any New Year resolutions. And you wanna know what I told her hmmmm... (I'm trying to build the suspense bummbummbummm!) I told her no. (No ha ha funny? Well I thought it was funny) WOW! I know that was so surprising. I think I’ve told you I have commitment issues too. Still if I was honest with you (ahem and myself) I’d like to say that yeah this is gonna be my year. I want to say that have so many plans and goals for myself this year (yeah air hi-five!). Sadly on the contrary I don’t…the only true goal I have for myself is to pay off my car (Yay! car it’s almost mine Woo hoo!). You see I don’t know how a new year is going to change anything in my life. I can hear you saying that’s cause you don’t want to change. You got have to want to make this year different (Ugh! Whatever! No comments from the peanut gallery thank you very much!). I do it’s sad of me to feel like if you (ahem I) didn’t change it last year then why do you think it’s gonna happen this year. I’m a creature of habit. Yeah I called myself a creature.

I don’t change, not really. It’s funny (not funny ha ha) that I say it like that because I have pictures of when I was wee baby and my face has stayed the same. Sure I’ve grown older and you can tell but that’s it. So you see, I have this issue, I can be a bit stagnate. Change is scary (come on you think so too). I’ve never dealt well with it on the inside. Because on the outside it ain’t no thing but a chicken umm wing? 

Moreover it seems to me (well now it does since I have been evaluating the past few year) when things are going really great I fuck it up. I do something or other to push people away. Make a big mess of everything and cause of the commitment thing. That’s why sometimes I just run for dear life! (Run away do not stop at go do not collect $200, just go!) I do it unconsciously I think. I only deal with change when it happens. Although I like to try and ignore things (hoping, praying) they go away. Oh yeah that’s gonna happen.

Nonetheless I’m so jaded (and I’m the one that jaded you!), also I lack focus (Fuck focus! I couldn’t fucking focus if they fucking paid me…I barely cause they do!). I don’t know how not to be either (you know they go and hand in hand). Being distracted easily is one thing but incorporate that with the weariness of it all. I just don’t know how to finish what I started then I’m disillusioned by that fact. Even still if it’s something I want, (well depending on what or who it is) if I feel that it will change the status quo. I will keep alienating, abandoning, and pushing it or them away.

So in conclusion I still don’t want have any resolutions this year but I do want to change (it could go either way people). I miss many an opportunity keeping my eyes closed to what’s in front of me. And I don’t wanna miss a thing (ha ha aha). 

Not the one

Most girls have that fantasy of the white knight on his gantlet steed coming to save them. If not they have planned out they’re perfect wedding at a very young age.  I for one have never dreamt of the knight or the wedding. In truth I’ve truly never want to be married. It had never been one of my dreams.(almost a nightmare, Eek the cat!!) I wanted to be the knight. I wanted rescue myself. Now I’m not saying anything is wrong with the wedding or the knight no, no, no, of course not if this floats your boat, then more power to you. But come on now is that ever really going to happen? How many people do you know personally that have had a fairy tale romance? I have not known any…well for the exception of my youngest sibling. He and his wife weren’t fairy tale but it’s a nice story and they ended up married. And I’m sure it’s not prefect but it work for them. Though everyone else I have known has had horrible relationships all my friends, sisters, aunt, uncles, cousins… oh dear lord the cousins. Everyone is damaged and broken waiting for the next person to save them, making the same mistakes over and over again.

Surely I’m no better than anyone else. The one relationship I was in, he was abusive verbally. Of course cause I would have cut the fool if he would have touched me in that way shape or form. But I know I have my patterns and men that I go for…are not so emotionally available but you know that neither am I. That is mostly why I pick them...O_o the wrongness of that statement!

But you know that at some point in your life. You meet someone that you think I forgive the term but the bees’ knees (hahahah now I just sound ancient). That they’re your one! The more you get to know the person. The more you feel like you just connect in a way that you never thought you could with anyone else. You float on air and feel like the world around you doesn’t matter, and wanna you know what? At that moment it doesn’t. Those feelings are pure and genuine (or so it may seem). So all you wanna do is be around them. So then we build it up (the retarded relationship) like they’re our one, (and you know you got friends and loved ones telling WTF!?What do you see in that douche?) we give our all into it… 

Except they don’t feel the same at all, what we think is a good connection or dare I say it the L-word (no, not lesbians) is nothing but infatuation. Though we don’t know which one it is? Or maybe we do but we blind ourselves from the truth. We want that person the one sooo bad (you know their bad!). We only see the good or the fun times we spent we them, and the bad flows away with the tide (is high but I’m holding on) cause you want them to be your number one. So how can you tell? Well I don’t know. So like I totos wish you could like magical ask the person you're on crack for...like OMG!! Do you like like me? Ha ha aha If only we all could all be so bold...