Just horribly mean!

I know what you're thinking but I must confess that I am a mean girl. If you ever met me on the street I don't I’d give off that impression? And yes, I know that my other posting have been a tad bit bleak, broad line depressing and downright sadness at times (hmmm I think I just see it way). Anyways as everyone else has a kaleidoscope of emotions (it’s just emotions taking me over!) so do I, even though I’m more prone to dreary. But mean would be creeping up right next to it. You never really want to admit things like that to the general population. Most of the time they won’t believe you until an act of meanness is witnessed. Apparently my younger sibling witnessed such an account and was appalled. He couldn’t believe I would ever cut anyone down like that, to him I’m not that girl…

So mean…I am have been for years. I really I wanna say it’s all my mother’s fault for her intolerable ways and back handed comments. They just flows natural from her. The woman is a terror (I love my mother I really do). It’s just somehow she has this way of twisting some sweet and innocent comment or a look in to something just mean.  It's almost like the meanness rubs off on you. Then when you least except it seeps out. Then bam you've just said something especially horrible. Hereditary is a bitch.

Oh really for the most part, I'm ever amicable. Particularly when I’m a stranger, it’s that whole etiquette thing, if I don’t know you; my best behavior is what you’ll receive. Original my mouth has always gotten me in trouble, when I was little (meow, meow). I had the tendency to say the first thing that comes to mind. Clearly as you can guess it was never anything really nice. I recognize now that I had no filter but most children don’t and that is why we learn. Oh you know that whole stupid etiquette thing.  So having been on a leash as most children should be (learn young, learn quickly) I think. Therefore when was left free reign of my mouth it was never a good thing, It seemed like I opened my mouth to either insulted or hurt somebody’s feelings. I’m starting to look at myself with not entirely objective eyes (yeah like anyone you know can really look at themselves objectively). So for that reason I feel the first time I made an unkind remake I knew it was wrong but I didn’t care. The more I did it the more natural it seemed it was so mean…

-Adriana

Lookie here I never said…

Wallflower, well maybe I am, but that doesn’t really matter does it? Anyhow when I’ve met someone for the first time the impression I give off is… well you know what? I’m not sure what impression I give off, but for some reason after a while people that I get to know will tell me. Eventually that I seemed kind of rigid and sort of conceded (that’s mostly at work) and too quiet for my own good. I have been told a few times that I was very wallflower-ish as a teenager. I didn’t talk to many of my peers. I spoke only when spoken to, (especially with boys) moreover my mentally was they wanted to talk to my friends and not me.

In any case I still kind of feel that way…I am not the center I am the outer rings. Sounds silly I know. It’s just I don’t hang around ugly people for one, and two; all my dear and near friends have (umm how do, I put this without sounding resentful or envious) strong personalities with features to match. Men, guys, boys have no real interest in me when I’m with them (I feel like I’m not seen…maybe I’m wrong but that’s how it goes) the various occasions we’ve gone out. If I get an itch to go out solo, I’ve notice that I do, do the wallflower thing…Now I feel like I do it more often than not.

Again in the safety of the backround where no one comes, and no one dares to tread. I sit sometimes with a book but typically with my trusty phone. I know I do it to ostracize myself. Sure I play well with others in any environment. Except this age thing is kicking my ass. My faults and flaws are now more pronounced. 
I just can’t seem to get a handle on who I am, or what I want anymore. Even if I don’t think, I’ve ever really known what I’ve wanted. So I guess wallflower it is…

-Adriana

Wait just a moment, please

Now I'm the kind of girl that really does live in the moment. I like being spontaneous. I haven't plan or thought a head in years. It’s not my forte. It’s exciting to do things you know you shouldn’t be doing or to encourage something you know that’s gonna get you in trouble (all the good kind I swear). It’s thrilling when you’re being adventurous; on the spot let’s do this type of thing. Now I have been the voice of reason on many occasions, but that’s on for things that will get you thrown in jail, (cause we really ain’t got no monies for bail) that’s just not cute.

But let’s face is spontaneity is for the young. Oh sure, I’m still kind of young via my age, but more really my face. Yes, I know it sounds conceded but it’s true and very annoying. I get carded all the time, I’m kind of past eighteen and though I hate to admit this I’m also past twenty-five (now that I act like I’m ten is a completely different story). But still when I go buy spirits or tobacco, those bastards ask anyways. *sighs*

I’d like to think that I’ll always be like that unreliable and fun loving. As I look at myself now that’s just not who I am any more, finding myself older and older (you know you never really ever believe that you’ll get this old) makes you think about that stupid thing called the future. Ugh! The future and age sucks, balls! Big giant ones. All I want is to be able to stay up all night and drink till I pass out. Then get up two hours later; go to work all drunk and disorderly (but looking fresh as a daisy). While getting all my work done like before. Sadly I can’t, it makes me wanna cry a little in my face.

Why yesterday I was supposed to go out, and I really wanted to too. So I got home from work. Laid down to relax and watch some TV. Then I promptly fell asleep?! As I woke up four hours later from my not nap.  I awoke and raised my head and in that groggy moment when, my thoughts of getting up to see if I could still go out. Then looking at the time and thinking… Screw that Mmmmmmm sleep better… swiftly dropping my head back to my warm, warm, warm pillow before I have to wake in the wee hours of the morning for work. Ah the sadness, in fact I don’t know if it makes me wanna cry or laugh...

-Adriana

Not fine….there is no fine here

You know when someone asks you, how you are doing? Your automatic responds is fine. Sure you woke up this morning, got up and for sure you’re happy to be alive. But fine is such a relative word. It’s like okay or sure. We just want to generalize, cause no one is really looking for anything deeper. A nice sweet conversation about nothing leading nowhere, they’re just trying to be polite. No dept, no divulging in anything that matters to either of you… So why if no one really cares then why even try.

Well if you were raised with some kind of manners or anything a kin to etiquette. You’ll know it’s rude not to speak when spoken to. At home as a child we were to be seen not heard. Sitting quietly until told to do differently, and if we disobeyed there would be hell to pay…So from early on when you entered a room you said: Hello, then either introduce yourself. Or asked how do you do? Untill you left the room and said excuse me. Again if you didn't do those things your world as you know it would be bleak, cause once the guests would leave. Oh, be sure your ass would be grass. As a child, you learn to adapt, you're sweet, kind and lovely…that was the way to survive that moment.

So now as an adult I know I seem overly friendly but really it’s just good etiquette. That’s been drill into me with threats of not such a good time. To be fine for some is a way of life that we project to others. A mask that no one really cares to take off cause everyone is too busy being self absorbed. It’s also like talking about the weather or a sport that everyone likes. Fine is nothing, nothing at all and no one ever really is.

-Adriana

Really? One in a million...

So I'm very single... Surprising I know, cause I'm beautiful wonderful and lots of fun blah, blah, blah.... As a single person out in the world it's hard, and not the good kind. Sure you can go and do whatever the fuck you want whenever. And really I love my freedom but at a certain age you get the look and the talk; it's an oh really you don't have a boyfriend or any kids? You're so ______ _____ ______fill in the blanks if you will on how wonderful they think you are. Though what their really saying is wow you're sad and pathetic. Not only are you getting old but you're gonna die alone too (See no kid or significant other) you poor bastard. It's a Whf; are you weird because of it! Most people say yes, but I don't get it cause all the same people that wanna see you happy like they are. But I call bullshit cause you know, they're lives are fucked up and aren't really happy with their, five kids and of dickwad of spouse.

As a result what really everyone is saying is that you have some kind of character flaw cause you are not in a relationship or you lack the forethought to have children. It's like, so what everyone has their issues whether you’re pared up with kids or solo. I just don’t get being miserable with someone you’re supposed to love so much. Sure your kids I get…But I don’t like being looked down on just cause of that. If you’re gonna look down on me make it for something that I actually do or display. Because  I act like a twelve year old or the fact I still can’t take anything too seriously. I have so many to choose from but a lack of a spouse or children shouldn’t be one of them.

So you sit there with all the people that love and turly care about you. Telling you that you're a catch, a peach, that you’re sooo hot and you are, cause we all have something beautiful to give. Yet we are very much alone. Those friends are the ones that know the truth and sure we all wanna say we don’t know why we are alone, but come on YOU know why. Though we love hard and give it our all. Still we have failed relationship after relationship, and now that we are older. We’re jaded, skeptic, and broken. We are broken, but our love isn’t. I wish it was easier when you get involde in a relationship. When it ends and you break up. We all like to say nothing happens to you. You don’t change and stay the same. Though it would be kind of awesome it wouldn’t be realistic. I hate to say it, but we are and will be molded by the people we meet, love and definitely hurt us. The change is gradual with many turns but in the end we are different, though I don’t think anyone really sees it till the end.

Adriana

How do, I do?

Recently I was encouraged to start a blog of my own. I have this awesome friend who in my opinion is a true word smith. He suggested that I should share my rants and ramblings, cause he finds them so amusing in real life. I don't find myself fascinating or particularly exciting. Usually the words I use to describe myself are odd, weird, hermit like, Ooo and antisocial that's always a good one.

So let's start shall we...I don't have many friends as state above (cause of the antisocial thing) the friends I do have I've known for long periods of time my longest is...let's see we've known each other since we were five so about twenty-seven years. Now I feel old...not the point but the friendships I make or have made for me have always or are meant to last. I give my trust and heart if I feel that you are a genuine person inside...on the flip side I don't like people. I know it's a weird concept to grasp. And most people don't get me because sometimes I'm too shy and quite around the new. If I've know you for years or connect with you instantly I'm very open, wild and loud...Dear lord am I loud. Mostly I like to sit and watch yeah kind of creepy, Yup been called that too.

But as of lately I feel less of a friend and more of a... I'm not really sure what. These feeling make me want to retreat, stay away from all and everyone. Mostly I push away or stay away (see antisocial at it's finest). I just feel like I can't really be a good friend at all. I offer no real perspective on any real problems they might have. I'm just not up to par. I'm silly and annoying at most.  And as I've just notice I only think about myself. Maybe I should just do as I think and stay away. I am so depressing sometimes. Hopefully not all my entries will be this colorful or maybe they will. So on that sad note I end this...

Adriana