Judging me, judging you!

Well first off, if you sit there reading this with the thought that you don’t do that crossing your mind; 1. you are a lying liar and 2.it’s so hard not to do. I don’t know about studies or anything that might be proven with facts. I’m just not that type of girl (well maybe I am but the laziness). However I have lived with women that are horribly judgmental (love you mother!). You want to judged by a judgie judgers just come over to my house. She doesn’t even have to open her mouth. You know she’s doing it just by the look that she's giving you. (Laser beams pew! pew! pew!) It’s horrifying. If you're not use to it, still like I said before we all do it. Sometime without even think about it. Automatically thoughts over take our mind…except not only do you judge,(hey hey now don’t look at me that way) you also make like you’re better than them. Hey I’m not gonna lie I know I do it.

You know you shouldn't! It’s bad. You know the bible says  ummm something about judging that ye be judged. Something about rocks and stones…Okay I understand god is all omnipotent and there is only one for some. Still the whole god thing to me, is hey whatever floats your boat…See I wanna mock while going blah, blah lots but I’m afraid to be struck down by lighting. Hey I know how it works. Well maybe not but still let’s be on the safe side.

Still you wanna sit there (like god, but not really): All like I’m better then everyone (It’s my hot body I do what I want!) Sure there are some better off than everyone else. Prettier, starter, what other more ers are there? Still that doesn’t make you make you better (Ha! found one, oh wait no, no I didn’t the sadness)*head hangs in shame*. Except the question still remains, what makes it okay to judge when we know we’re not supposed too? What make one person better than another? What constitutes a good person? Oops my bad that’s was like totally more the one. Ah the wonders/joys of a wandering mind.

However I think if you have to say that you’re a good person then mostly likely you’re not. Who brags about all the good deeds that they do or has done and says it aloud? I don’t dig that at all we (I) what we do because we can. No more or less. Oh my, I’m hopeful that I am little above average on the judging thing or maybe I just wish to be. Still it’s hard to be tolerant,(when your think you're blah, blah) and harder still to over come.... 

You want some cheese with that whine?

I don’t like to advertise it, but I am a Libra…don’t make that face. I know what you’re thing besides that you automatically think flaky, irresponsible, shallow and sure except for that last one.  I’m your typical Libra. What does that have anything to do with the whiny cheese? Well I like to blame it on the fact that I am a Libra cause for some odd reason I can get people to divulge information that’s a bit um tooTMI!? O_o I get from life story, to problems in they're every day life. So for the most part it’s fine, sometimes amusing though other times I can be: Ugh Jebus! Why oh why are you telling me this? I always get the weird ones.

Now I'll never be the one to tell you straight out that you're....umm stupid in your face. Even if it’s a stranger, who’s TMIing me. That's just not who I am. Some think I’m too nice, that I don’t like to hurt the feelings of the people I love or I’m just plain weak. Still I believe it’s just that I have what some people might refer to as tact, discretion, delicacy with most situation...it’s something you really need. Oh along with the fact that I have compassion for all the little children of the world. Come on you can’t be an asshole all the time. Umm perhaps it’s it can’t ran all the time? But there are some that can help it they’re automatically give advice or they're opinion when it hasn’t been asked for. Look here missy if I want your view on the subject, I’d beat out of you…tee hee hee.

So I just feel that sometimes you just have to shut your face and listen (yeah this means you!). If someone is disclosing a grievance to you, it's because they trust you (or in my case I just got that kind of face?) and need to get it off their chest. You are their confidant (friend, or again face!) and that's okay. Cause no one is perfect or wants to be told "Wow! You know what? You're really stupid for thinking and feeling the way you do." Sure maybe they might be to you, but in those moments to them their world is kind of falling apart. Who wants to be told that when all they want is a little empathy? It's like come on don’t be a douche bag.

Still there are others who, want to be told. “Wake up stupid! What the heck are you doing or thinking?” Here is the rub they really don’t, most see themselves as faultless, unless someone is truly prepared for your opinion or advice. They’re not gonna take it or listen they’re just gonna get mad. Ugh it’s stupid cause they asked for and now their upset?! Come on you asked for it!!! Ass! Or they take a cheap shot at you? WTF!!! Then if the tables are turned, they can’t wait to tell you what’s wrong with you and how everyone else but them is right. 

So last but not least we know that: the golden rule is key, a friend in need is a friend indeed and honestly is the best policy unless the person you’re talking to is not asking for your two cent. In which any case means just keep it to yourself…-_- 

Pretty but in not pink!

See the thing is I’m a tomboy! I’ve never been much of a girly girl. Sure I played with dolls but I also played with cars, and video games. I think I might have mentioned it before. But my youngest sibling was a boy. Hence I played in the dirt, trees and on roofs (it’s always fun till someone breaks a limb ^_^). Also my father played a big role in my rearing in view of the fact that me and sibling four were so close in age. So I know how to change tired, check the oil (Ooo and put gas) in the car because that’s important.

Playing with makeup or getting pretty was a weird concept to me. Since my two older siblings were girls and too far away in age from me. They got older started partying and putting on makeup and going out to clubs. I was barely old enough to go to a pg-13 rated movie. I would steal my sibling three’s make up and paint with ha ha aha that was fun she didn’t like it so much though.

Then there is fact that my mother had me at a later age, I think she was like 36? Yes, it’s not that old but when you think about, I mean really think about it is. That’s one of the biggest fears that I have (cause I don’t got no kids and yes I’m old, well not so much) but if an oops happens or I find that one person. That I can consider in taking the pleasure of having children with it's gonna be at age like my mother. So I’ll be too tired and neglectful to be a good parent. I know that some people shouldn’t have children at any age *cough*Kim*cough*Kardashian *cough*. Sure she might make a good mom but who knows. Though I’m not one to talk it’s not that I have all my stuff together far from it.

Not only are children are a great responsibility and a horrible financial burden (I know sound like a baby hater, I’m not really), but their a lifelong commitment. So I’m deathly afraid of that commitment oh to have a child (you poor bastard cause you know that's what it's gonna be) Wow! I don’t commit well to anything perhaps still I might be able to handle it if I had a boy. I think probably I could do it, cope (really I have to cope with him, he sounds like a drug problem) I mean you know raise him. I think boy I could do by myself maybe. But a girl I’m not equipped (well I kind of am, but that is so not the point) for her…Oh dear lord I don’t think I could do it. With girls you have to pay attention to detail. Sure you put that on you résumé (who doesn’t) but are you really? With them it’s their hair, cloths and you have make sure they're all prim and proper all the time (yeah I know Pot, meet Kettle).

The other thing is I just don’t want to mess up anyone. I’m not stable and to try to give at child (my child) to raise it to be emotionally stable and have that self confidence, that I don’t even have myself. I can’t see myself being there 100%. I don’t want to have to look at them all grown up and know that (I did that to them) I fail them…I don’t want that responsibility. I don’t want to be the cause of someone else pain. I know that's really selfish of me, sure possibly I might make a good mom. I just might but I just don’t see it.

Since if I can only just take care of myself…Who would expect me to take care of something else? Okay so how the hell did this end up being about babies? Damn you biological clock you are a ticking but I digress….So see me girlie not so much (Oh for the love of fuzzy you with the details) though I can do it. Sure it takes me a minute… still it’s kind of a miracle I can put on makeup. I learned with no real instruction. It’s not cute when you go around looking like a clown. Nobody really wants to tell you to your face that you look stupid. They’ll typically laugh and point behind your back (that’s why most days I go makeup lesssss).  Walking in heel is a real pain in the butt! I’m sure many know this of course. Except I didn’t at the time ugh! Did you know that you have to practice in heels? So among many falls since I can barely walk in tennis shoes. Yup, yup I’m klutz walking. I trip on my own feet. Consequently when it comes down to it you have to be careful or you could seriously hurt yourself.  Dress like a girl? Yes except I technical didn't dress myself till I was eighteen. Mother had grace and style. So I can say that it wasn’t too hard? Although as I got older there were some difficulties because money is an issue and we always kind of did. Still sometimes I have my moments even now…

Having to do this (rite of passage) getting dressed up, it’s kind hard as well as unnatural also a lot of work for me…so you know what (if I’m not gonna get laid what’s the point of me doing it? ha ha aha) but really I have to or you gotta 1. Be family (love you mother) 2. love you (and not like a play cousin) or 3. want to impress you…even that one is just barely a reason. In spite of everything looking and acting like a true girlie girl has never my default mode. However I try and isn’t that half the battle? Hmmm maybe that’s something else?

A little Chilly Willy...that's what she said!

Well as I’ve said to many (okay maybe just to three) so I could get a laugh (I like to make you laugh it’s my thing). I am a squirrel actually more of a nut. I know, you keep thinking where is this going? (I’m not sure either) But if you stay with me I have a point I want to make…I think, it’s coming (that’s what she said!) I swear. Look my thoughts have a tendency to run away from me with the fork (I meant dish stupid fork!) and the spoon.

Okay with that said I think I’ll get on to my point. It’s stuper fracking (I’m trying not to swear here no more…umm let’s how long that lasts) cold! So I get chilly all the time (I think it’s a lymph nodes problem…should probably get that checked one of these day).O_o I’ve stood around outside with other people when it’s moderately chilly, and I’m fracking shaking like it’s 20 below?! I can’t help… I’m sooo cold. T_T

Still I know I shouldn’t be bitching (is not a swear word it means a female dog). Since clearly I live in SoCo. Where it’s always blah, blah, blah…sunny and what not. (I call bullpoop! Many times over!) Sure it’s a sunny that’s true but the wind chill is on crack! I go outside mid-day to stretch my legs (ahem smoke a cigarette) and I’ll be standing in the sun and I’m still fracking shivering?! How does that even work I’m in direct sun light warmness should fill me! That’s what she said…okay I’ll stop…maybe. ^_^

If I lived anywhere else (vis a vis where it snows) I WOULD SURELY DIED!!!! Ahhhhh!  I get teased all the time at work for coming looking like a frecking Eskimo. Yeah I said it, I start off by wear my normal cloths. Then I add a scarf, a sweater (for good measure) and to top it off a very heavy pea coat! So yeah I wouldn't make it anywhere else. I don't know if I could adapt. >,<

I know that somewhere deep down you are a little like me (no no no not cracked out). I mean you have issues with the cold weather! Oh for the love of fuzzy! Don’t get me wrong I don’t lovin the heat! Cold so much better than the hot, hot, heat! (Bandage on, legs and my arms for you!!) Because it’s obviously insufferable, and you can’t get away from it!

So we move from insufferable heat to unbearable cold. Damn you, severe climate change!!! O, Ozone layer, Ozone layer, wherefore art thou Ozone layer! Sure I’m being overly dramatic. I just can’t help it. I be poor and a new space heater is not in the budget. So I have to make do with blankets heavy blankets, many heavy blankets. Sure it gets nice and warm. Though when morning rolls around I’m more tired than rested and in the end I’m still cold… chilly rat bastard!

Give hoot resolute?

Aah…It’s a New Year, new beginnings though most thought that 2012 was our last!? People are so funny sometime. I think of it like this; yeah the worlds going to but not for everyone. So many die every day so for them the world has ended, but for the rest of us (on the chain gang) it’s a different year same old bullshit. Yeah I said it. I know that I kind of sound like I am a pessimist (Fuck you my glass is half empty). The thing is that all my optimistism is reserved for the people I love because (I always want the best for them. I lovin you all) it’s easy for me see the good for them. Not so much for me, but if you want I’ll be your biggest (hey, hey, now no fat jokes) cheerleader. My support (unlike a bra is infinity) and encouragement is all yours all you have to do is ask (ummm really just look sad). I just can’t do it for myself.

So a friend asked me do you have any New Year resolutions. And you wanna know what I told her hmmmm... (I'm trying to build the suspense bummbummbummm!) I told her no. (No ha ha funny? Well I thought it was funny) WOW! I know that was so surprising. I think I’ve told you I have commitment issues too. Still if I was honest with you (ahem and myself) I’d like to say that yeah this is gonna be my year. I want to say that have so many plans and goals for myself this year (yeah air hi-five!). Sadly on the contrary I don’t…the only true goal I have for myself is to pay off my car (Yay! car it’s almost mine Woo hoo!). You see I don’t know how a new year is going to change anything in my life. I can hear you saying that’s cause you don’t want to change. You got have to want to make this year different (Ugh! Whatever! No comments from the peanut gallery thank you very much!). I do it’s sad of me to feel like if you (ahem I) didn’t change it last year then why do you think it’s gonna happen this year. I’m a creature of habit. Yeah I called myself a creature.

I don’t change, not really. It’s funny (not funny ha ha) that I say it like that because I have pictures of when I was wee baby and my face has stayed the same. Sure I’ve grown older and you can tell but that’s it. So you see, I have this issue, I can be a bit stagnate. Change is scary (come on you think so too). I’ve never dealt well with it on the inside. Because on the outside it ain’t no thing but a chicken umm wing? 

Moreover it seems to me (well now it does since I have been evaluating the past few year) when things are going really great I fuck it up. I do something or other to push people away. Make a big mess of everything and cause of the commitment thing. That’s why sometimes I just run for dear life! (Run away do not stop at go do not collect $200, just go!) I do it unconsciously I think. I only deal with change when it happens. Although I like to try and ignore things (hoping, praying) they go away. Oh yeah that’s gonna happen.

Nonetheless I’m so jaded (and I’m the one that jaded you!), also I lack focus (Fuck focus! I couldn’t fucking focus if they fucking paid me…I barely cause they do!). I don’t know how not to be either (you know they go and hand in hand). Being distracted easily is one thing but incorporate that with the weariness of it all. I just don’t know how to finish what I started then I’m disillusioned by that fact. Even still if it’s something I want, (well depending on what or who it is) if I feel that it will change the status quo. I will keep alienating, abandoning, and pushing it or them away.

So in conclusion I still don’t want have any resolutions this year but I do want to change (it could go either way people). I miss many an opportunity keeping my eyes closed to what’s in front of me. And I don’t wanna miss a thing (ha ha aha). 

Not the one

Most girls have that fantasy of the white knight on his gantlet steed coming to save them. If not they have planned out they’re perfect wedding at a very young age.  I for one have never dreamt of the knight or the wedding. In truth I’ve truly never want to be married. It had never been one of my dreams.(almost a nightmare, Eek the cat!!) I wanted to be the knight. I wanted rescue myself. Now I’m not saying anything is wrong with the wedding or the knight no, no, no, of course not if this floats your boat, then more power to you. But come on now is that ever really going to happen? How many people do you know personally that have had a fairy tale romance? I have not known any…well for the exception of my youngest sibling. He and his wife weren’t fairy tale but it’s a nice story and they ended up married. And I’m sure it’s not prefect but it work for them. Though everyone else I have known has had horrible relationships all my friends, sisters, aunt, uncles, cousins… oh dear lord the cousins. Everyone is damaged and broken waiting for the next person to save them, making the same mistakes over and over again.

Surely I’m no better than anyone else. The one relationship I was in, he was abusive verbally. Of course cause I would have cut the fool if he would have touched me in that way shape or form. But I know I have my patterns and men that I go for…are not so emotionally available but you know that neither am I. That is mostly why I pick them...O_o the wrongness of that statement!

But you know that at some point in your life. You meet someone that you think I forgive the term but the bees’ knees (hahahah now I just sound ancient). That they’re your one! The more you get to know the person. The more you feel like you just connect in a way that you never thought you could with anyone else. You float on air and feel like the world around you doesn’t matter, and wanna you know what? At that moment it doesn’t. Those feelings are pure and genuine (or so it may seem). So all you wanna do is be around them. So then we build it up (the retarded relationship) like they’re our one, (and you know you got friends and loved ones telling WTF!?What do you see in that douche?) we give our all into it… 

Except they don’t feel the same at all, what we think is a good connection or dare I say it the L-word (no, not lesbians) is nothing but infatuation. Though we don’t know which one it is? Or maybe we do but we blind ourselves from the truth. We want that person the one sooo bad (you know their bad!). We only see the good or the fun times we spent we them, and the bad flows away with the tide (is high but I’m holding on) cause you want them to be your number one. So how can you tell? Well I don’t know. So like I totos wish you could like magical ask the person you're on crack for...like OMG!! Do you like like me? Ha ha aha If only we all could all be so bold...