See the thing is I’m a tomboy! I’ve never been much of a girly girl. Sure I played with dolls but I also played with cars, and video games. I think I might have mentioned it before. But my youngest sibling was a boy. Hence I played in the dirt, trees and on roofs (it’s always fun till someone breaks a limb ^_^). Also my father played a big role in my rearing in view of the fact that me and sibling four were so close in age. So I know how to change tired, check the oil (Ooo and put gas) in the car because that’s important.
Playing with makeup or getting pretty was a weird concept to me. Since my two older siblings were girls and too far away in age from me. They got older started partying and putting on makeup and going out to clubs. I was barely old enough to go to a pg-13 rated movie. I would steal my sibling three’s make up and paint with ha ha aha that was fun she didn’t like it so much though.
Then there is fact that my mother had me at a later age, I think she was like 36? Yes, it’s not that old but when you think about, I mean really think about it is. That’s one of the biggest fears that I have (cause I don’t got no kids and yes I’m old, well not so much) but if an oops happens or I find that one person. That I can consider in taking the pleasure of having children with it's gonna be at age like my mother. So I’ll be too tired and neglectful to be a good parent. I know that some people shouldn’t have children at any age *cough*Kim*cough*Kardashian *cough*. Sure she might make a good mom but who knows. Though I’m not one to talk it’s not that I have all my stuff together far from it.
Not only are children are a great responsibility and a horrible financial burden (I know sound like a baby hater, I’m not really), but their a lifelong commitment. So I’m deathly afraid of that commitment oh to have a child (you poor bastard cause you know that's what it's gonna be) Wow! I don’t commit well to anything perhaps still I might be able to handle it if I had a boy. I think probably I could do it, cope (really I have to cope with him, he sounds like a drug problem) I mean you know raise him. I think boy I could do by myself maybe. But a girl I’m not equipped (well I kind of am, but that is so not the point) for her…Oh dear lord I don’t think I could do it. With girls you have to pay attention to detail. Sure you put that on you résumé (who doesn’t) but are you really? With them it’s their hair, cloths and you have make sure they're all prim and proper all the time (yeah I know Pot, meet Kettle).
The other thing is I just don’t want to mess up anyone. I’m not stable and to try to give at child (my child) to raise it to be emotionally stable and have that self confidence, that I don’t even have myself. I can’t see myself being there 100%. I don’t want to have to look at them all grown up and know that (I did that to them) I fail them…I don’t want that responsibility. I don’t want to be the cause of someone else pain. I know that's really selfish of me, sure possibly I might make a good mom. I just might but I just don’t see it.
Since if I can only just take care of myself…Who would expect me to take care of something else? Okay so how the hell did this end up being about babies? Damn you biological clock you are a ticking but I digress….So see me girlie not so much (Oh for the love of fuzzy you with the details) though I can do it. Sure it takes me a minute… still it’s kind of a miracle I can put on makeup. I learned with no real instruction. It’s not cute when you go around looking like a clown. Nobody really wants to tell you to your face that you look stupid. They’ll typically laugh and point behind your back (that’s why most days I go makeup lesssss). Walking in heel is a real pain in the butt! I’m sure many know this of course. Except I didn’t at the time ugh! Did you know that you have to practice in heels? So among many falls since I can barely walk in tennis shoes. Yup, yup I’m klutz walking. I trip on my own feet. Consequently when it comes down to it you have to be careful or you could seriously hurt yourself. Dress like a girl? Yes except I technical didn't dress myself till I was eighteen. Mother had grace and style. So I can say that it wasn’t too hard? Although as I got older there were some difficulties because money is an issue and we always kind of did. Still sometimes I have my moments even now…
Having to do this (rite of passage) getting dressed up, it’s kind hard as well as unnatural also a lot of work for me…so you know what (if I’m not gonna get laid what’s the point of me doing it? ha ha aha) but really I have to or you gotta 1. Be family (love you mother) 2. love you (and not like a play cousin) or 3. want to impress you…even that one is just barely a reason. In spite of everything looking and acting like a true girlie girl has never my default mode. However I try and isn’t that half the battle? Hmmm maybe that’s something else?
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