Give hoot resolute?

Aah…It’s a New Year, new beginnings though most thought that 2012 was our last!? People are so funny sometime. I think of it like this; yeah the worlds going to but not for everyone. So many die every day so for them the world has ended, but for the rest of us (on the chain gang) it’s a different year same old bullshit. Yeah I said it. I know that I kind of sound like I am a pessimist (Fuck you my glass is half empty). The thing is that all my optimistism is reserved for the people I love because (I always want the best for them. I lovin you all) it’s easy for me see the good for them. Not so much for me, but if you want I’ll be your biggest (hey, hey, now no fat jokes) cheerleader. My support (unlike a bra is infinity) and encouragement is all yours all you have to do is ask (ummm really just look sad). I just can’t do it for myself.

So a friend asked me do you have any New Year resolutions. And you wanna know what I told her hmmmm... (I'm trying to build the suspense bummbummbummm!) I told her no. (No ha ha funny? Well I thought it was funny) WOW! I know that was so surprising. I think I’ve told you I have commitment issues too. Still if I was honest with you (ahem and myself) I’d like to say that yeah this is gonna be my year. I want to say that have so many plans and goals for myself this year (yeah air hi-five!). Sadly on the contrary I don’t…the only true goal I have for myself is to pay off my car (Yay! car it’s almost mine Woo hoo!). You see I don’t know how a new year is going to change anything in my life. I can hear you saying that’s cause you don’t want to change. You got have to want to make this year different (Ugh! Whatever! No comments from the peanut gallery thank you very much!). I do it’s sad of me to feel like if you (ahem I) didn’t change it last year then why do you think it’s gonna happen this year. I’m a creature of habit. Yeah I called myself a creature.

I don’t change, not really. It’s funny (not funny ha ha) that I say it like that because I have pictures of when I was wee baby and my face has stayed the same. Sure I’ve grown older and you can tell but that’s it. So you see, I have this issue, I can be a bit stagnate. Change is scary (come on you think so too). I’ve never dealt well with it on the inside. Because on the outside it ain’t no thing but a chicken umm wing? 

Moreover it seems to me (well now it does since I have been evaluating the past few year) when things are going really great I fuck it up. I do something or other to push people away. Make a big mess of everything and cause of the commitment thing. That’s why sometimes I just run for dear life! (Run away do not stop at go do not collect $200, just go!) I do it unconsciously I think. I only deal with change when it happens. Although I like to try and ignore things (hoping, praying) they go away. Oh yeah that’s gonna happen.

Nonetheless I’m so jaded (and I’m the one that jaded you!), also I lack focus (Fuck focus! I couldn’t fucking focus if they fucking paid me…I barely cause they do!). I don’t know how not to be either (you know they go and hand in hand). Being distracted easily is one thing but incorporate that with the weariness of it all. I just don’t know how to finish what I started then I’m disillusioned by that fact. Even still if it’s something I want, (well depending on what or who it is) if I feel that it will change the status quo. I will keep alienating, abandoning, and pushing it or them away.

So in conclusion I still don’t want have any resolutions this year but I do want to change (it could go either way people). I miss many an opportunity keeping my eyes closed to what’s in front of me. And I don’t wanna miss a thing (ha ha aha).