Gone, but not forgotten

Or maybe it's the other way around. I guess it doesn't matter in the end. I know that I've been gone for awhile. I'm not ready to talk about it openly on here, but. Maybe I'll get around to it later on who knows. I am very all over the place at times. So eventually it migth will end up here.

Still I digress I don't know how many times, I've written this. A few maybe more. See I don't think my life has gone in a downward spiral...But I certainly know I'm not moving. There seems to be no fire of motivation. The only real thing I've done is quit smoking. I kinda didn't really feel like I quit because one day out of the blue was smoking a cigarette and just tasted disgusting. Looking back on it, it didn't feel like I was quitting. It felt like I just had to stop..I've tried to let go of the atrocious habit before, it was just so difficult before. The more I tried the more I wanted to smoke.

Till a few days before one of my good friends birthday's at the end of March. All of a sudden I smoked one and the taste of it disgusted me! So I stopped cold turkey. So I quit and I thought that everything was fine, that I am fine. Although I've notice lately that I upset easier. My temper gets away from me sometimes I don't know why really. Little things that wouldn't bother at all, now annoy me. I've always had an abundance of patience with everyone, and now not so much. I'm trying to figure it out though.

So looking back on it I might have to start smoking again...lol Yeah not really, but it's funny cause the reason I did start smoking was to control the over whelming sadness. I was going though a tough time, and the threat of tears were so really. That the though of inhaling nicotine and tar seemed like a great idea at the time. It just need a crutch, a banded anything to make the hurt go away. It did, it was better for that moment. Those moment and days turned into years...I've been or should I say had been smoking for nine years. 

One moment of weakness turned into years of this horrid addiction. So every time I was stressed, upset or on the verge of tear, my answer was to smoke. I'd never really thought of it before but in all truth I'm super emotional. I calm not to be, I wish not to be, but I am. Sometimes it's like I feel it more the hurt, the sadness, the shame. I'm a plethora of emotions.  So now since my crutch is gone. I guess all those emotions that I have been bottling up. Have popped so I have to deal with the consequences. I just never imagined they'd be so severe. 

Maybe or should I say hopeful starting this again will help...I want to not me so everything (angry, upset, hurt) anymore....